


Fallout: New Ravnica

by commoner64



Category: Magic: The Gathering (Card Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Anal, And muffing too, Dystopia, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Parody, Porn with Feelings, lots of anal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2020-11-22 08:47:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 28,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20871449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commoner64/pseuds/commoner64
Summary: [(4/21/2020): I recently rewrote the first 3 chapters and added a chapter 3.5, check it out!]A really shitty parody of Greg Weisman's novels and writing style told from the point of view of Ral, Jace, Vraska, Teysa, Tomik, and a Boros angel trying to unravel the mysteries of this new dystopian society. But the threat of Bolas's return looms on the horizon after everyone fucks up. There are also a lot of weird sex scenes.





	1. Aftermath

  
  
Ravnica had been ravaged. Some would say it was a disaster, some would say that it was just the End-Raze and was pretty cool. Whatever the case, it had been two years since Nicol Bolas used his Nukespell to lay waste to the plane as one final “fuck you” before Mizzet took the dragon down with him. But among the ashes were survivors, and those survivors began to regroup. Expanding the catacombs of the Undercity into a dense metropolis. But not everybody sought refuge in the Undercity. Being confined to the dark depths of Ravnica’s underground city was a sentence worse than death for some people, especially the Gruul. A destroyed Ravnica was like a dream come true for them. The same could almost be said for the Selesnyans. While they were saddened by the destruction, they found this the perfect opportunity to start fresh and create their ideal world. And thus a close alliance was formed between the two guilds.

Not in a million years did Vraska ever think she’d be Ravnica’s “shining beacon of hope” but here she was, helping the refugees from the surface. Of course a lot of it was out of guilt. She felt partially responsible for what Bolas had done.

“Hey… I found you some books on the surface.”

Vraska looked down from her throne at the blue-cloaked man. “I thought I told you not to go to the surface.”

“I’m a planeswalker, Vraska.” Jace set the book down on her armrest and gently touched her hands. “I can flee from any danger.”

The gorgon queen sighed. “You say that, but you’re still on this god-forsaken plane.”

“And so are you. And you know exactly why.”

A few hours had passed since Jace came back. And now the two lay in bed, the magedude’s naked body sprawled out and comfortably lying against her as if this was a frequent thing. And it was. She forgot what had even caused them to start doing the sex. But they sexed anyways. Her Snakiness was too anxious to sleep. Lying awake and wondering about stuff. What would the future hold? Will things slowly return to normal? Do pigeons have feelings? Will Bolas come back?

Jace opened his eyes slowly and put a hand on Vraska’s shaky shoulder. “I woke up because I felt you had a feeling.”

Vraska sighed, her hair snakes would have sighed too if they had mouths. “Yeah… I’m worried about the future.” She knew there was no use hiding it from Jace.

“Honestly… Me too. I’m almost thirty now, and it seems like that for my entire life, I’ve had to look behind my shoulder.”

“Even with me?”

“I mean, when you almost killed me and then killed a bunch of guys who’s names started with J, A, C, E, and Y to get my attention.”

“I don’t remember the Y part. Probably just some random guy I killed on the streets afterwards.”

“Well you killed some guy named ‘Yularin’ after those four, so I thought it spelled “Jacey” at first.”

Vraska smiled a little. “Guess I’ll have to call you Jacey now.”

“Yeah.” Jace rested his head on Vraska’s chest. It was warm and soft like those slime-filled water balloons they throw on Nickelodeon game shows, but even warmer. He was glad he could get Vraska’s mind off of things, even for a little bit. He was lucky to have someone in his life as good as Vraska. He needed the stability, especially since a lot of his friends had either vanished or were dead.

Teysa had not been so lucky. Thanks to the sudden shift in the economy after the Nukespell, zinos and zibs were worthless. People bartered to get what they wanted. And even if currency still had any value, the Orzhov had no way to make money since Kaya forgave everyone’s debt before leaving this plane and never returning. The guild was no more, and Teysa had nobody. Tomik was gods-know where, she didn’t want to see him anyways, not after his betrayal. Maladola got back with the Boros after she decided “there were asses she needed to kick”.. And Tajic… No. The two were never on good terms after what happened several years prior. But maybe that could change. Maybe the two could reconcile. She was desperate at this point so it didn’t hurt to try.

Despite all that had happened, Tajic felt genuinely happy. It had taken him a while to process everything that had happened in the past three years, but things got better. It was winter, but he felt warm. Both in body and spirit. He put his hand near the fireplace to feel the warmth over it. He felt a familiar tap on the shoulder and looked up. A red-haired angel- one of Aurelia’s sisters created by Feather.

“Here. You’re lucky that I managed to get cocoa powder at this time of year.” The angel handed him a cup of hot chocolate and sat down next to him.

Tajic took a sip and chuckled. “I’m lucky regardless.”

The angel looked into the smoldering embers of the fireplace with her intense, yellow orbs. “So am I. You give my life meaning.”

The two sat in silence for a long time. Tajic looked at the walls of their house. It was a nice house for something in the Undercity. Rubble welded together using metal from damaged buildings thanks to him and the angel’s excellent magic skills. He truly was lucky.

There was a knock at the door. Tajic set down his drink and got up. “I’ll get it.”

“Are you sure? Oh, alright then.”

It was probably Aurelia or Gideon. Maybe even a travelling salesman. He opened the door, nothing could brace him when he saw-

“Teysa?”


	2. Shitshow: The Startening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the shitshow begins

“Teysa… What the hell are you doing here?” Tajic was conflicted. On one hand, Teysa had practically thrown him out as if he was disposable. On the other hand, he missed her company. 

“I’ve done some thinking and well… I’m sorry.”

Tajic sighed deeply. Deeper than how deep Rick and Morty is. Why now was she apologizing? After all that had happened, she chooses to apologize only when her guild left her for dead?   
“Well you’re five years too late, Teysa.” 

Tajic’s feathery lover peeked her head over his shoulders, apparently arriving after he had just told Teysa off. “Teysa, is that you? It’s been years since I last saw you! Come on in!”

“Thank you, Agnum.” 

Teysa realized what was going on now. Tajic had already moved on. Presumably several years ago, judging by how the angel looked at him. She had known Agnum briefly. The angel helped out at her law firm for a few months before the war. How strange it was, that an angel built for battle wanted not to fight on the battlefield with a sword. But rather, in a courtroom with her brains. Not that she had much brains anyways. Teysa knew from experience that the angel was quite stupid. A very special kind of stupid. 

Tajic reluctantly stepped aside to let Teysa in, not wanting to tell Agnum no. He knew Agnum was guildless for a period of her life, leaving for a couple years after Feather left, but he never really knew all that she did during that time. He knew she worked for the Orzhov for a while to try to become an advokist, but not much else besides that. Something suspicious was going on. But what could it be?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Agrus Kos was enjoying his retirement. Okay, that was a lie. He had been retired for like 30 years and had been bored after the first two. He could’ve passed on to the other side by now, but it seemed that every time he did that, he was brought back for some sort of guild business. 

“One more round please.” 

The ghostly Orzhov bartender sighed. “You’ve had like 19 ghost beers, isn’t that enough?”

“Make it 20 and I’ll reconsider my poor post-life choices.” 

“This round’s on me”, a familiar voice called out. Agrus looked around, wondering who the hell had said that. Suddenly, Szadek’s ghost appeared. “Yo.” 

Agrus flinched. “Szadek! What the fuck are you doing here!?”

Szadek shrugged. “I could ask the same of you.” 

“You know what the fuck I’m doing here, Szadek. I’m numbing the pain with ghost alcohol and making poor choices.” 

“That was a rhetorical question, dipshit.” 

Agrus took the beer from the bartender and took a sip. “Okay, what is it this time?” It had been a while since Agrus had seen Szadek. He used to be the parun’s eternal jailer, but that all blew out the window once the time-space anomaly disappeared from this plane a few decades back. 

Szadek continued. “Okay, so you know how I’m an immortal psychic vampire and the last of my kind?”

“Not so immortal now, are you.” The wojek slurred. 

“Yeah, well. I kinda lied about that last part. There was actually another one alive at the time of my death 70-something years ago.” 

Agrus squinted. “Okay. So let me get this straight. There’s a psychic vampire on the loose.” 

“Yes.” 

“In Ravnica.” 

“Yes.” 

“And he’s evil?”

Szadek nodded. “Very evil.” 

Agrus sighed. “And why did you wait until now to tell me?”

“Because shit just now hit the fan!” Szadek snapped back. “And besides. You owe me a favor from the time you caught me in a pokeball and threw me at a ghost.” 

“To be fair, Szadek. You wanted to kill Augustine anyways. And also, never call it a pokeball again, I swear to Razia.” 

“Fair enough. You in?”

Agrus got up. “I was in the moment words came out your mouth.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teysa sat down on the couch in the livingroom. 

Agnum warmly smiled. “Let me get you some hot cocoa.” She headed to the other room. 

Tajic sat on the other side of the couch, as far from Teysa as possible. “You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Agnum. You know that, right?”

“Well, she does owe me for taking her in for a while.” 

Tajic sighed. “Is that all you care about? Debts?”

“No, I’m grateful too.”

“You see, Teysa? That’s what was wrong with the Orzhov.” Tajic snapped. “People only stayed together because of a web of obligations. Not because they cared for each other. It was either exploit, or be exploited. And once there was nobody left to exploit, nobody had a reason to stay. It was a system destined to fail.” 

“That’s not true…” Teysa looked down. She knew Tajic was right. 

“I GOT HOT CHOCLATE uwu!” Agnum came in the room with a steaming mug of hot chocolate and set it on the coffee table in front of Teysa. She then sat down on the couch right next to Tajic. “So, what’s happened in the last three years?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“BLARGHHHHHHHH”

Vraska awoke to the sound of vomiting. That was odd. Jace seemed fine the night before. And as far as she knew, he hadn’t had anything to drink. The tentacle woman got out of bed and put on her bathrobe before going in the bathroom to investigate. Jace was inside, practically hugging the toilet. “Jace… Is everything okay?” Vraska knealt down and gently put a hand on his shoulder. 

“I didn’t want you to find out this way…” The mindmage’s voice was hoarse and weak. 

“What do you mean, how long have you been hiding this?”

“About a week”, Jace retched. “I thought it would go away but… It’s been getting progressively worse…” 

No- It had to be something else. It couldn’t be. She knew that the surface dwellers had been falling mysteriously ill, and Jace had been taking trips up to the surface. She had warned him, but he didn’t listen.   
“You fucking idiot... “ Vraska’s eyes grew teary. “Why did you have to go up to the surface?”

“I wanted to get things that would make you happy. I knew you were so stressed ruling the Undercity and- Well…” 

“None of this would’ve happened if you had just ran away from everything like you used to! Why couldn’t you just say you were going out to get some toaster tarts and a pack of cigs and never return!?” 

Jace felt Vraska’s feelings and the guilt ran through him like a sharp knife. “I’m sorry…” 

Vraska sighed. “I better get the doctor to see how much time you have left…”

Jace looked at his own reflection in the toilet and sighed. Maybe this was the day his stubbornness finally caught up to him. He had so many regrets. He wanted to ask for Vraska’s hand in marriage. Have a nice wedding in the sewers, have cute sewer children, have a beautiful sewer wife. Would that ever happen though?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And that’s how my life fell apart before my eyes.” Teysa took a sip of the cocoa. “And after it all, I realized that I needed to make amends.” 

Tajic felt a pang of guilt. “I’m sorry… I had no idea…” He stared at his own reflection in his choclatey drink. 

Agnum smiled. “Yeah… Teysa, you’re welcome to stay here tonight. It’s too cold at night, and I’d be awfully worried.” 

“Thanks, you two. I really appreciate it.” 

Tajic gave Agnum a weird look as if she did something she wasn’t supposed to do. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kraul doctor soon came to Vraska’s chambers after hearing her urgent message. “Alright, so what’s the dealio” He said in Kraulspeak. 

“I have a tummy ache…” Jace whined. 

Vraska narrowed her eyes and looked back at the doctor. “He’s vomiting, doc. He’s dehydrated, can’t sleep, and is in a lot of pain.” 

“Alright. Let me take a look.” 

As the doctor checked Jace out, he just stared at the ceiling, stopping only make an occassional glance at Vraska. Was this the end of his life? Did he truly have some kind of deadly disease?

“Oh dear… Jace… I have some startling news.” The doctor said.

Vraska braced herself.


	3. This Candle Smells like Razia's Vagina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RETCONS BABEY!

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S PREGNANT!?” Vraska looked just as startled as Jace.

“My queen, you know how your species reproduces, right?”

“No? My parents died when I was three, and they never had the chance to give me ‘the talk’.”

Jace looked pale. “Okay first thing’s first. How big are they, how many are there, and which hole is it coming out of?”

“Three inches, two-hundred, and you’ll find out soon enough.” The doctor picked up his medical bag and headed out the door. “I have to get going, congratulations on the litter, you two.”

Jace looked at his shaky palms. “I thought… I was going to die… But instead I’m apparently having kids…”

“I’m shocked too…” The words barely escaped Vraska’s lips. “I thought we reproduced the same way as humans. I guess we actually do it like a seahorse…”

Jace laughed. “What a day!”

Vraska nervously let out a chuckle as well. “Yeah, I was certain you only had a few months left to live or something.”

“Vraska…?”

“Yeah…?”

Jace looked longingly into his queen’s amber orbs. “I love you. I love you more than life itself.”

“I-” She didn’t know what to say, so she just pulled him into a kiss. Then a couple minutes later, she let go. “Jace… Would you like to spend the rest of our lives together?”

Jace embraced Vraska’s beautiful, snaky face. “I’d like that more than anything in the multiverse.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Heyyyyy~” Agnum wrapped her leg around Tajic’s and started to kiss him on the neck.

He rolled over. “Not in the mood.”

The angel seemed worried and she stopped. “Was it something I did?”

“Yeah. You let my ex spend the night at our house.”

“She has nobody. And besides, you broke up five years ago. Haven’t you moved on from her?”

“I mean, yeah but-” Tajic cupped his hands over his face and sighed. “It’s just weird. We never became friends after we broke up. We just- cut ties.” He sat up. “I just need to get some fresh air. Then I’ll go back to bed.” He gave Agnum a kiss on the forehead and then walked out, shutting the door to the bedroom.

Teysa wasn’t in the living room. Where was she? Tajic cautiously opened up the front door. Teysa was sitting on the porch, staring out into the horizon of New Ravnica.

“Hey…” Tajic awkwardly stood beside the former advokist.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah.”

There was a long period of silence between the two.

“Teysa, why did you do nothing when I got thrown into jail because of you?”

“...Because I couldn’t do anything. I was just as powerless as you.”

“You didn’t even visit me. You didn’t even attempt to get me out.”

“Yeah, because I knew Aurelia would get you out!”

“Yeah well-” Tajic sighed. “It hurts. You were my best friend and I feel like you just disposed of you when you were done with me.”

Teysa looked down on the ground, finally starting to feel accountable for her actions. “Yeah, maybe I did.”

“Maybe that’s why my allies disposed of me as well.”

The two walked down the road, continuing their conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not too far away from Tajic’s house, Agrus Kos and Szadek were hot on the trail of an evil psychic vampire.  
Szadek finally spoke up after not feeling like talking for 10 minutes and acting like a fucking weirdo like usual. “Okay, so he’s in a dark alley. We just have to jump him. Don’t worry, I know a really good place we can hide the body.”

“I bet you fucking do.” Agrus continued. “By the way, just what sort of ‘evil things’ has this vampire been doing?”

“He’s been trying to steal my thunder. His body count is starting to get even higher than mine. I can’t let that happen!”

Agrus gave the vampire a weird look. “You’re a little fucking freak, you know that?”

“Yeah.” Szadek stopped at busy intersection near a crosswalk after he realized Agrus had stopped before him. “Hey, why did you stop?”

“We have to wait for the sign to light up before we can cross.” Agrus replied.

“Agrus, there’s no fucking cars. And it’s not like we can get any deader if a car does manage to hit us.”

Suddenly, an Izzet convertible pulled up. “Hey, what are you two doing this late at night?” The driver asked, adjusting his glasses so he could see the two better. He was wearing a golden collar around his neck and had a white dress shirt on- a very strange combination.

Szadek spoke up. “We’re dead, we can stay up as late as we want! Now that you Orzhovs aren’t in charge!”

Tomik squinted. “We neve- Okay, nevermind. What I meant to ask is, what are you two doing together?”

“We’re looking for an evil psychic vampire”, Agrus answered.

“Oh cool. Hop in.” Tomik pointed to the backseat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHAPTER 3.5- This Candle Smells like Razia’s Vagina

“Fuckit. I’m going out of bed. There’s no point in laying down here anyways.” Agnum got out of bed and ruffled the feathers on her wings. As she walked towards the door and into the living room, she realized Teysa wasn’t there. And neither was Tajic. The angel felt a pang of doubt in her mind, but tried to shake it off as best as she could. She trusted Tajic. There was nothing to worry about, right? “Yeah. I’ll just go for a walk to clear my thoughts. What could go wrong?” She thought to herself, not realizing that everything was about to go wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Okay, so take a left at this intersection.” Szadek was helping Tomik with directions, while Agrus was trying to wrap his head around the whole situation. Just what would this vampire be like? Would he be like Szadek?

Szadek relaxed for a moment and laid back in his seat. “Damn this car is cool! Kachigga my-” He turned his head back to Agrus. “Am I allowed to say the word?”

“NO!”

“Aaaand we’re here.” Tomik parked the car near a dark and sparsely populated part of the city. “So uhh… Just what is this psychic vampire dude like?”

Szadek shrugged. “Oh you know. Big teeth. Serial killer killer who specifically targets twinks. Black hair-”

“Oh! Oh lovely! So you brought the biggest twink you could find, TO HELP SEARCH FOR THE TWINK MURDERER!” Tomik frowned.

“Oh he definitely heard that one!”

Agrus shivered a little as he felt a giant shadow looming over him. “Well, looks like you summoned him.”

The shadowy vampire spoke. “IM FUCKING SICK OF THESE TWINKS! DIE TWINK DIE!”

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HATE TWINKS SO MUCH!?” Tomik yelped, jumping out of the car.

“BECAUSE 6 MONTHS AGO, A TWINK BROKE MY HEART!” He lunged at Tomik, but the advokist managed to save his ass by casting a spell to temporarily stun the vampire.

Tomik stood up and took a few steps back. “Szadek? Agrus? Care to do something about this?”

The two ghosts looked at each other.

“Szadek, you brought your special sword, right?”

“What special sword?” Szadek raised an eyebrow.

“The special sword that you can hit material objects with?”

Szadek paused for a few moments. “What???”

Agrus sighed. “The one you killed all the angels with?”

“Ohhhh. I just used a regular ghost sword. Ghosts can kill angels since they’re made of magic and don’t have souls, ya know.”

“So what you’re saying is-”

“Yeah. We’re fucked I guess.”

They both looked back at Tomik, who had finally managed to immobilize the vampire. “Wow, thanks for your help, you two!” The advokist said with a glare. “So just how are we going to kill this thing?”

Szadek thought for a moment. “Well, none of us have swords. And the only other thing that can kill a psychic vampire is-”

“A stake? Garlic? A steak with garlic?” Agrus asked frantically.

Szadek shook his head and sighed. “Psychic vampire repellent.”

“Psychic… vampire repellent?” Tomik seemed skeptical.

“Yeah. There’s only one scent that psychic vampires can’t stand: a vagina-scented candle.” Szadek said matter-of-factly

“Are you fucking shitting me?” Tomik sighed.

“But not just any ordinary vagina!” Szadek continued. “It has to be the vagina of a divine being! One made with white mana!”

“So what? We get an angel to shove a candlestick up her cooter or something?!” Agrus replied.

“Yeah. Basically.”

“What kind of self-respecting angel would ever do something like that!?”

“An angel who’s a total slut”, Szadek said with a pondery voice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Agnum was walking around the night market, looking for various household goods being sold by Ravnica’s nocturnal creatures. “Hmm… I should buy some bread. We’re running dangerously low on-”

“Agnum!”

The angel turned her head and saw Tomik frantically running towards her. “Oh yes, what is it?”

Tomik stopped to catch his breath. “We need you to… *pant*... kill a psychic vampire.”

“Okay. I think I can do that.” Agnum said rather nonchalantly. She then paused to process what the hell she just heard. “A psychic vampire… Okay, you’re going to need to show this guy to me.”

“Oh. But one thing.” Szadek manifested from behind Tomik. “You’re going to need to kill the vampire with the scent of your own vagina.”

Agrus also manifested behind Tomik. “And you’re going to need to be quick. He’s probably already on the loose again.”

“I-” Agnum was a bit weirded out. “Okay, this is getting really weird. Tomik, why is there a freaky vampire ghost hanging out with my mom’s boyfriend?”

“A-ha!” Szadek said in a ‘gotcha’ voice, pointing to Agrus. “I knew you were boning the angel!”

Tomik blinked. “Is that the only thing you find strange about this whole situation?”

“Yeah.” Agnum reached into her pocket and pulled out a candle with the likeness of Serra carved into it. “This might be blasphemous, but I guess the best thing to do is stick this votive candle up my cooter.”

“Heh. Nice.” Szadek commented.

“Okay, we just need to find a private place.” Agnum looked around. “Oh look, a dark alley.” She ran towards a nearby alleyway. “Come on, gang! Let’s go fuck ourselves!”

Once everyone made it to the alley, Agnum settled behind a stack of crates and pulled her pants down. Then she pulled the candle out of her pocket and began to suck.

“Agnum! We have no time for sucking it! Just go in dry!” Szadek shouted.

“You want me to shred my poontang!? You want me to tear the fabric of my meat curtains!? YOU WANT ME TO DEMYSTIFY MY WIZARD’S SLEEVE!?”

Agrus sighed. “Just hurry up and do your thing.” He turned around and looked the other way. Tomik did the same.

“UGHHH! Szadek!” Agnum glared.

“Alright, Fine.” He turned around also.

Agnum then proceeded to shove the candle up her pussy. She slid it in and out a few times. Then pulled it out once it was covered in her scent. She put her pants back on and waved the candle in the air. “Okay guys, you can look now!”

Everyone turned back around.

“Now all we need to do is find that psychic vam-”

Szadek was interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream.

“PUSSY PATROL TIME!” Agnum shouted before suddenly flying off into the sky. Everyone ran out of the alley to see what all the commotion was.

Agnum landed a block away from the alley, the rest of the party still trying to catch up to her. The angel’s eyes widened at what she saw.

Tajic was limp on the ground. Bloodied and badly wounded. Impulsively, the firemane lunged towards the psychic vampire without regard for her own safety. The scarlet hair on her head licked by thin flames until it turned into a full inferno that went down to her torso. She was absolutely furious. Nothing could possibly make her angrier. But as she tackled the vampire, the candle fell out of her pocket and rolled away. The vampire seemed unscathed by the flames in Agnum’s hair and took the angel’s attacks as if they were a gust of wind. Sure, she could’ve used her sword. After all, that’s how Szadek died. But she was in no position to use one regardless.

The vampire used his telekinetic powers and slammed Agnum against the pavement, producing a loud thud quickly followed by a pop. She lay down in agony, unable to move.

But then- The dark night air started to smell like pussy. Not any pussy- angel pussy. Who could’ve produced such a miracle? Then Agnum slowly craned her neck to see Teysa behind her, holding the lit candle. “Begone, foul vampire!”

“NOOOBBLBLNOOOOOOOOOBABLARRRRGHHHH” the vampire screamed as he slowly melted into a puddle. “THE POWER OF PUSSY IS TOO STRONG!” and then he died.

“Teysa… You saved me…” Agnum smiled. “You really came through.”

Teysa blew out the candle. “Well. It was the least I could do.”

Agnum laughed, then felt a sharp pain in her chest. “Yeah… Now let’s go home before we all die from our injuries.”

Tomik and the two ghosts, who had arrived at the scene 2 minutes ago, but I never mentioned it because it wasn’t plot relevant at that point, just looked at eachother, confused.

“What’s the lesson we’re supposed to be learning here?” Tomik asked.

Szadek shrugged. “I dunno. But I’m gonna find someone to shag now.”

Agrus nodded in agreement. “Yeah, me too.”

“Me too as well.” Tomik replied. Then they all went their separate ways, headed towards a night full of shagging.


	4. The Shitshow Starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of sexual confusion

I fucked up while editing so this chapter is blank. Go to the next one please.


	5. The Snaby

Agnum stayed awake until Tajic got back to bed an hour later. She wasn’t tired, angels don’t really get tired. 

Tajic hopped back in bed. 

“Do you feel better, Tajic?” 

“Yeah, I just needed some fresh air.” He wrapped an arm around the angel and fell fast asleep. 

A few minutes later, Agnum slipped out of Tajic’s arms and headed out the door. Teysa was fast asleep on the couch as she carefully shut the door behind her. Slowly, she made her way across the city. Bioluminescent mushrooms lit the darkness of the city, it truly never slept. Fireflies danced around her, the light reflecting on the angel’s wings like the soft glow of a sunset. Skyscrapers reached the walls of the deep underground cave. But despite all that, it wasn’t enough. Agnum needed to be free, she needed to touch the clouds. So once she reached a stone wall with a ladder, she flew up and made her way to Old Ravnica- the place she once called home now a desolate wasteland. She spread her wings, feeling the glow of the moonlight. 

“Agnum?”

A familiar voice called from behind her and she turned around. “Tomik!” She glomped the advokist. “It’s been so long since I’ve last seen you!”

Tomik laughed and looked down at the short angel, he looked a lot older now, his eyes aglow with experience. “I’m glad to see you.” 

She hadn’t seen her old friend since the Nukespell nuked everything. She was glad, so glad. “Me too… How is Ral?”

“He’s over at Nivix scavenging for spare parts. He still loves to build things. What about you?”

“I uhh- Teysa just came over tonight and now she’s sleeping on our couch.” 

Tomik shrugged. “I guess she’s finally starting to learn some humility.” Tomik turned around, the moonlight shined on his golden collar and bracers, the other parts of his clothing were replaced by much more modest blue fabric that wouldn’t be stained as easily. 

She laughed. “Tajic was not thrilled at all. But I think they’ll get along eventually.”

“You’re really letting your boyfriend’s ex spend the night?”

“Fiance.” Agnum held out her hand, revealing a golden ring that was scavenged from somewhere. “And I can trust him. He’d never do anything behind my back.” 

“Him anyways.” Tomik cleared his throat. “Anyways, Ral and I live on 257 Amanita Street, you should come over sometime.”

“Sure thing.” 

“Anyways, I have to go, I’ll see you later!” He ran off into an old abandoned building, presumably to help Ral with something.

“Well that was abrupt”, Agnum muttered in response to Tomik’s abrupt abruptness. 

Back in the Undercity, Jace and Vraska were asleep in their bed. Jace was now the little spoon since the little snabies (snake babies) in his belly were starting to grow bigger. 

“Blue...berries…”

Vraska opened her eyes a little. “What?”

“I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m gonna fucking die if I don’t get some blueberries…”

“Can you wait till morning?” The gorgon groaned. 

“Not really…” 

“Alright…” Vraska sighed and fully opened her eyes, too tired to get out of bed right away. She put her hands over the mindmage’s pregnant belly and felt a swarm of snabies slithering inside. 

Jace recoiled slightly. “Sorry, it’s just hard to get used to. It’s like… They have a mind of their own.”

Vraska buried her face in Jace’s shoulders. “I can’t believe we created life…”

“Yeah…”

The gorgon queen got up and gave Jace a kiss on the forehead. “Anyways, the blueberries.” 

“Oh fuck yeah! Half a gram of good blonde hash!” Agnum was scavenging Tin Street, a dangerous thing to do at night. Goblin gangs roamed the streets that were now reduced to rubble. 

Vraska happened to see the angel on her walk to Precinct Three. “Agnum?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing at Tin Street so late at night?”

“Not… Looking for some good hash? And you?”

“I’m off to Precinct Three to get something for Jace.” 

The angel stood up. “So late?”

“Long story.” 

“I’ll come with you then. It’s dangerous to walk out alone at night.”

“If you insist.” Vraska started walking. 

After several minutes, Agnum spoke up. “Do you ever feel like you hurt someone you love, even though you’re pretty sure you did the right thing in the end?”

The gorgon raised an eyebrow. “Is this a hypothetical question?”

“No. I let my fiance’s ex girlfriend crash at our house without asking him if it was okay.”

“That’s pretty fucked up, Agnum.” 

Agnum sighed. “Yeah. Have you and Jace been going steady since I last saw you? It’s been ages.” 

“Yeah…” 

“I don’t like that sheepishness in your tone.” 

“We’re engaged.” 

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Agnum nearly tripped over a pebble. 

“We got engaged right after I accidentally did something awful to him.” 

“That being?”

“I… Got him pregnant…” 

Agnum seemed unfazed. “Well I mean- Did you wear a condom? It’s the girls who wear condoms, right? I honestly don’t know, I’m infertile and monogamous so I don’t have to worry about getting ‘stids’.”

“What the fuck are stids?”

“You know, those little crustaceans that grow on your public hairs that you catch from having sex with people. S-T-D-S.” 

Vraska was in no mood to give someone “the talk”. “No, the thing is, is that I had no idea how my species reproduces, so I accidentally got him pregnant.”  
“Ah. I see. Is he upset at you?”

Vraska looked down. “No, the strange thing is he’s actually happy about it. I’m the one who feels guilty about it.”

Agnum smiled. “Well then there’s no need to worry!”

It was about half an hour later and the two were finally in the Third Precinct. They made it there a lot quicker than expected thanks to Agnum realizing she could just fly while holding Vraska. As they were picking blueberries off a bush, a strange presence could be felt. Not some sort of marauder or creature roaming the night, but that of a spirit. 

“VRASKA WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO JACE?!”


	6. The Bar Gets Lowered

A goblin suddenly and dramatically appeared. A very sexy goblin. But to be fair, all goblins are pretty sexy.

“What the fuck is going on?” Vraska asked, startled. 

The goblin spoke up, his voice booming. “IT IS I, UGIN THE SPIRIT DRAGON. I HAVE POSSESSED THIS GOBLIN TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE.”

Vraska dropped her berry basket. 

“VRASKA, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU IMPREGNEGATE JACE!?”

Agnum took the floor. “Your scaliness, my friend had no intention of impregnating her boyfriend. It was an accident. Legally speaking, this ass pregnancy is an act of gods.”

Vraska sighed and buried her face in her hands. 

“I NEEDED JACE! BUT NOW HE’S IN NO POSITION TO DO WHAT I NEEDED HIM TO DO! SO I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TWO DIPSHITS TO HELP ME!”

Agnum looked ecstatic. “WOOHOO! I GET TO DO AN ELDER DRAGON’S DIRTY WORK! This can only end up so well…” 

“Hold on, why did you bring Agnum into this?”

“BECAUSE EVERY HEIST NEEDS A CREW!”

Agnum looked around. “Is this it? Where’s the rest of the crew?”

Ugin spoke up, his voice roaring with explaining, not a very good explanation but still better than a Greg Weisman novel level of detaily. “OKAY, SO HERE’S THE DEAL. YOU GUYS KILLED BOLAS. WHICH IS BAD, THAT WAS VERY DUMB AND STUPID. HE IS GOING TO TURN INTO A SPIRIT DRAGON BECAUSE OF THE VERY DUMB AND STUPID THING YOU DID. SO IM GETTING AGNUM, VRASKA, RAL, AND KAYA TOGETHER TO DEFEAT BOLAS AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR MISDEEDS.” 

Agnum looked confused. “Wait, what did I do?”

“SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID AND STORY-CHANGING THAT YOU WILL MENTION IN-PASSING IN LIKE THREE CHAPTERS AS IF IT WASN’T A HUGE DEAL.” 

The angel nodded. “Okay, that’s fair.” 

Vraska looked around. “So, where’s Ral and Kaya?” 

“I TOLD THEM TO GET OVER HERE, THEY SHOULD BE COMING MOMENTARILY.”

Ral came flying in on a magic stormcloud. The two berry-picking planeswalkers looked up in amazement amazedly. Vraska forgot that Ral could fly on magic stormclouds because it hadn’t been mentioned since like 4 novels ago. 

And then Kaya planeswalked in from another dimension with her cute kitty sitting on her shoulder. 

Agnum reached to pet the cat. “Wow, cool cat! How did you manage to bend the laws of multidimensional travel in order to do that?”

Kaya shrugged. “Oh, I just turned her into a ghost.” She turned her kitty back into a normal cat and set it on the ground. 

Ugin continued. “OKAY, NOW THAT WE ARE ALL HERE, WE MUST DEFEAT BOLAS. WE ONLY HAVE ONE WEEK TO PREPARE. SO MEET BACK HERE AT THE PLACE BOLAS DIED.”

Ral paused. “Wait, where did Bolas die again? It’s been two years so I’m a little rusty on the details.” 

“I HONESTLY FORGET, LOOK IT UP ON THE WIKI OR SOMETHING. THE AUTHOR WAS TOO LAZY TO LOOK IT UP BUT ITS OKAY BECAUSE THE BAR IS SO LOW NOW ANYWAYS.” 

“Gotcha.”

“ALRIGHT GOOD, SO WE SHALL MEET NEXT WEEK. HAVE A NICE NIGHT.” And then Ugin planeswalked away. 

Agnum was excited. “Ooh, I have an idea! Let’s form something like the Gatewatch, but like, not the Gatewatch.”

Kaya thought for a moment. “Well, the Gatewatch is pretty much done for. It’s over.” 

“The Overwatch?” Vraska chimed in. 

Ral shook his head. “No, I think that’s already taken.” 

“Oh! How about Ugin’s Angels?”

Kaya raised an eyebrow. “But you’re the only angel here.” 

“Yeah but like, angels fight for justice. So in a way, we all fight for justice.” 

This is the logic of a person who has never solved a math problem in her life. Ral thought to himself.

“Yeah sure, we’re the Angelwatch.” Vraska said. She seemed to be in a hurry. 

Agnum smiled. “Great!”

And then they walked away. But as Ral walked by, he noticed Kaya. He always acknowledged Kaya’s existence, but this time he acknowled it in a different way. He noticed her beautiful jet-black locks and smooth skin. And those striking, haunting orbs. What was happening to him. No, Ral. Focus. 

The next day, Ral was in he and Tomik’s apartment, as he often was, when Tomik came back with food. 

“Oh Raaaalllll!~~~~~ I brought peaches!” 

Ral smiled. “Peach time!” Peaches were his favorite. He pecked Tomik on the cheek and grabbed a peach. He sat down and took a bite.   
Peaches… They were good. Not just because of the flavor, but because of the shape, the texture. It was like giving analingus. Ral loved giving analingus. He loved seeing Tomik squirm with pleasure. He loved expressing his passion with his tantalizing tornado tongue. As he bit into the peach, juices flowed out and dribbled onto his chin. An asshole would never do that. But…. A poontang did. Poontang… Ral had feared poontang all his life. But in that moment, he realized that poontang was like the best aspects of an asshole and peach combined. It had lips and was juicy. What did this all mean? 

And then it hit him. The way he looked at Kaya, the way he loved peaches. Ral had never been into women before. But he has had his fair share of crushes, and they were mostly the long-haired (and decidedly feminine types) like Elias. But there had always been one thing they all had in common in the great chemical mix that arced between them like one of his lightning bolts.- they were bottoms. Ral only fucked bottoms. All women were bottoms. And the evidence was just piling up. It couldn’t be. 

Tomik seemed concerned. “Ral, are you okay? You’ve been tonguing that peach for an awful long time now.:

Ral put his peach down and sighed. “Tomik… I’m straight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I physically cringed while writing this


	7. Agnum reproduces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Ral really straight?

“Hey Gideon, do you know if we still have any m-” Aurelia’s question was interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the door. “I’ll get it.”  
Gideon sat on the kitchen table and watched.  
Ral was standing at the door, seeming conflicted about something. He spoke up. “Hey, I know this is really weird but, I uh-”  
Gideon looked up from his newspaper and pulled out a chair. “Here Ral, have a seat.”  
Ral reluctantly went inside and sat down. He sighed. “Thank you.”  
Aurelia sat down across from him. “So, what’s up.”  
The Izzet guildmaster hesitated for a moment. “Things are not going good with Tomik because I’m starting to question my sexuality.”  
Aurelia seemed a bit surprised. “Really? You always seemed pretty gay to me. I wouldn’t know though. My gaydar only works for other women.”  
Gideon smirked for a brief moment, then came up with an idea. “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you kiss both of us to see how you feel.”  
Aurelia nodded in agreement at the idea.  
Ral raised an eyebrow. “Really? You both are fine with that?”  
“Well why wouldn’t we? You’re a good friend of our’s and we trust you not to make this get freaky.” Gideon piped up.  
“Well, alright. Here goes.” Ral leaned in and kissed Aurelia on the lips. It certainly felt she was kissing someone, but it wasn’t really that hot. He pulled away. “Hmm… Not feeling it.”  
“My turn?” Gideon asked.  
“Yeah.” Ral leaned in and kissed Gideon. It was pretty fucking hot. The way their facial hairs rubbed against eachother’s created a unique sensation that felt like sparks were flying in his mouth. Like Pop Rocks, except the Pop Rocks are a metaphor for that little emoji in my friend’s Discord server with Ral with sunglasses that goes “OH YEAH IM HORNEY!”. Ral pulled away, his face slightly flushed. “Yep. I’m definitely gay.” Relieved, the Izzet guildmaster relaxed a little. Thanks, guys. Now I know I’m gay. And in fact, I can already the homosexuality flowing through me.  
“Aurelia smiled. Glad we could help.”  
“Yeah. It’s okay to have a “straight spell” every now and then. I mean, I’m straight and I have “gay spells” sometimes. Usually when I’m drunk. “Like that one time Jace and I had to share a bed so we jacked off in front of eachother.”  
Aurelia gave Gideon a weird look.  
“Huh. That’s odd.” Ral continued. “Anyways, thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it.” He headed towards the door, but then turned around. “Hey, before I go, have you guys seen Tomik around recently?”  
“Yeah. I saw him heading to my sister’s house.”  
“Which one? You have several thousand.”  
“The one that’s really short and annoying.”  
“Ah, Agnum.”  
“You do realize that when you say an angel’s name, it invokes them and they can hear everything you say from anywhere in Ravnica for 2 minutes, right?”  
Ral gave a weird look, and then remember all the times he talked shit about Aurelia. “FUCK.” He thought.

Meanwhile, Lazav was spying on Tomik as he walked to Agnum’s house. He was up to no good and doing evil things.  
“Hehehe, little does Ral suspect that I’ve poisoned the peaches with “juice that makes you straight”. Then Tomik will be heartbroken and be easy enough to manipulate.

But why was Tomik going to Agnum’s house? Because of strange events that took place the night before….

Tajic woke up in a daze. After waking up, he could barely even open his eyes. The light filtering through the windows felt so bright, and his head hurt so badly. Yep. He was definitely hung over. Trying to remember what the hell happened last night, he turned over and looked at Agnum, who was still sleeping. Surely she must have partied hard too, as she was curled up in a strange position, with the duvet only covering half her body. Her beautiful decidedly female body. Through the dim light the curtained windows of their bedroom provided, he could see the outline of her curves. Those round, soft breasts like warm, squishy water balloons. Those voluptuous, childbearing hips that he loved to squeeze and caress. Her beautiful, sleeping eyes, which held two round, amber orbs that looked at him with love and admiration with a coruscant glow in the light of the day.  
The angel woke up with a yawn. She opened her eyes and sat up, her breasts breasting boobily each time she moved. “Hey, do you know what the hell happened last night? I don’t remember jack shit.” She said in her hauntingly angelic soprano voice. 

Tajic pondered that question for a moment. “Hmm… I think it involved a bunch of kissing?” He rubbed his temples, fingers running through his black hair. His hair is black, I can’t think of any more details, sorry. “I think we talked about wanting to have kids or something?” 

Suddenly, the bedroom door burst open. “Surprise!” There were six or seven strapping young angels and archons standing in the doorway. “We made you breakfast!” An angel piped up. From the back of the group, an archon came out carrying two plates of food- if you could even call it food, his small felidar cub trailing behind. 

“Uh… Thanks.” Agnum took a plate and poked the food with a fork. It looked disgusting, like a monstrosity from a fallout-ridden Simic laboratory. She looked up and saw the archon’s jet-black hair and piercing yellow gaze. The resemblance was uncanny. These were indeed her and Tajic’s children. 

Back in the present day, Tomik had finally made it to Agnum’s doorstep. He knocked and waited. 

“Ack! Coming! Coming! Hold on I’m coming!” A few moments later, Tomik heard the frantic footsteps get closer and Agnum opened the door, more frazzled than Tomik had ever seen her. 

“Thank goodness you’re here!” She nervously smiled. “Thanks for coming on such short notice. Kids are just such a handful- especially seven, I-” 

“Hey, relax.” He put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “They’re adults. We’ll take care of this. Tajic is here, right?”

The angel nodded. “Yeah, he’s in the back.” 

Tomik walked in. “Great. With three adults here, I’m sure we can get things do-” Tomik stopped when he realized Teysa was there. “Oh uh, four I guess. Hey Teysa…” 

Teysa looked up. “Tomik.” She said rather numbly, then went back to filling out paperwork of some sort. 

Agnum frowned and cupped her hand up to Tomik’s ear. “Have you two spoken recently?”

“No. Not in about a year”, the advokist replied in a hushed whisper. 

“What happened?”

Tomik hesitated for a moment. “We vehemently disagreed on several issues and then parted ways.” 

Agnum looked back, then back to Tomik. “Yeah, I can see why that might be awkward. But, why don’t you give things another chance? You two used to be inseperable.”

“Yeah. I think I will. Thanks Agnum.” He smiled and went over to Teysa and started talking to her. Little did Agnum know that Tomik had already been planning to do just that.

A few hours later, things died down. Agnum’s bastard offspring had all gone to sleep in a dogpile as Tomik and Teysa finished the last of the paperwork to get them their own barracks in the New Sunhome. 

There was a knock on the door and Tomik went to open it. 

“Hey- Uh…” It was Ral. 

Tomik frowned. “Yes?”

“I uh- Just want to let you know that I’m definitely gay.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, Gideon gave me a massive boner.”

Tomik sighed. “You know even straight men get those from looking at him, right? His hotness transcends sexuality, Ral.”

“Yeah but, I didn’t get one from kissing Aurelia. And like, I got my tongue in there really good.”

Tomik seemed surprised. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah! Completely flaccid. Maybe like a half-chub, but I’m pretty sure that’s from all the running I did before.” 

“Oh who cares, what matters is that you’re still attracted to men! You are still into me, right?”

“Of course Tomik. Leaving you was the worst life choice I’ve ever made, and I have made a lot of terrible life choices.”

“Yes. I’m aware of that.” He couldn’t contain his excitement. “Oh, come here Ral!”

Once again, the two lovers embraced. Lazav saw this from a distance and realized that trying to break up Ral and Tomik wasn’t a possibility. The power of homosexuality was too strong for even him to comprehend. 

And so, the day was saved. Ral was gay, Agnum had room to breathe, and Gideon was now very confused about his sexuality. All in a day’s work!


	8. The woman who went to get milk at the store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Angelwatch joins forces to defeat a giant monster.

And so, six days passed and the Angelwatch gathered in the spot they promised to meet up in. It was golden hour now, nearly dark now. And everyone wondered where the hell Ral was. 

“Sorry! I had to tweak some things.” Ral came in, carrying a messanger bag. What was inside could be anyone’s guess. The Izzet guildmaster looked around. Everyone was present but Ugin. “Has anyone seen Ugin yet?”

Agnum shook her head. “Nope, but he should be here any moment now.” Suddenly, the ground began to quake. This was the place. The place where Bolas’s corpse was buried. But- he couldn’t be coming back so soon, right? Ugin would’ve done something. The angel flew up in the air and hovered herself in place, keeping a lookout for Ugin. But instead of Ugin, she saw something else. It certainly wasn’t a dragon, in fact, it was a giant boar. “The trampling isn’t coming from underground! It’s a giant boar!” She shouted down below. 

The other three looked in horror as they saw it. Ral and Vraska recognized it from the tales they heard growing up, while Kaya just stared at the sublime majesty of the beast. “What is that?!” The ghost buster asked. 

Ral spoke up, still looking out over the horizon. “That is Ilharg, the god of destruction… It appears we have one more elder god to deal with, and one less to help us. His hair crackled with static as if he was anticipating the worst. 

Vraska stood still for a few moments before speaking up. “Do you guys think he’s able to turn to stone?”

Ral weighed over his options. “It’s worth a shot I guess.” He charged up his accumulator. Thoughts swirled in his mind, as he brainstormed faster than lightning. “Alright, Agnum, do you see any places we could temporarily trap him?”

The angel looked around. “Nope. But wait, Vraska, can you set some sort of tripwire?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” 

“Wait, if he flinches and closes his eyes, you won’t be able to petrify him”, Ral pointed out. 

Kaya piped up. “What about if in the brief moment he flinches, I phase through him and slice through both the tendons on his back legs?”

Ilharg was just a few yards away now. (Sorry British people, I don’t use the fancy number system, get over it!!!!) As the boar 

“Okay! He’s coming!” Agnum shouted. 

Vraska summoned two large vines out of the ground and grabbed the boar’s front legs with them, tripping him over. 

“OINNKKKKKK!” Ilharg shouted as he winced. His eyes were closed. Kaya took advantage of this brief frame of time to pass through him and slice through his tendons, causing him to squeal louder. 

“You know what, fuck it.” Agnum said under her breath before unleashing holy fire unto Ilgarg. His fur singed and he squealed in pain, but as he did so, he freed himself from the restraints and charged into Vraska. 

“AGHHH!” DAMMIT AGNUM!” She cried out as one of Ilharg’s tusks gored her arm. She struggled to grab onto the charging boar’s face. She wondered just how the hell the boar could even run after having the tendons in his back leg sliced open, but then it hit her. She looked over and saw that Ilharg was dragging his back legs and running with the front, maintaining a high speed still with his sheer upper body strength. Wiggling around a bit more, she managed to grab onto his other tusk push herself up for leverage. Then she stared the beast right into the eye and prepared a petrification spell. The next thing Vraska heard was a loud cracking noise. Then everything went dark. 

A few hours later, Vraska awoke in a field. A Selesnyan wheat field probably. The strange thing was, she was fully healed and felt as if her injuries had never happened. 

“Vraska? Vraska?” A male voice called. 

The gorgon looked around, trying to find the source of that eerily familiar voice. She knew she heard that voice from somewhere, but from who? 

“Oh, there you are.” An older gorgon woman approached Vraska, a gentle smile on her face. “I was waiting for you to come back.” 

“I’m sorry, but I’m not sure who you are.”

The woman looked sad when she heard those words. “I’m your mother.” 

Vraska’s eyes grew wide. “Mum?!”

The gorgon smiled. “Yes, you remember. Don’t you?”

Now that she thought about it, a memory did begin to resurface. She was four, no. Five years old. She lived with her mother in a small nest in the Undercity. Her mother would go out every night to hunt and made young Vraska wait in the nest. And one night, she never came back. Thinking she had been abandoned, Vraska wandered the streets until her teenage years, when she was finally scooped up and thrown into a prison camp. 

Vraska frowned. “Mum… Why did you leave me?”

“I never left you. I- Died.” 

“Wait, if you’re dead, then-” Vraska paused. It all made sense now. The healing of her injuries, appearing in a strange place, seeing her long-lost mother. She was dead too. Everyone here was dead. “No, are you saying that I’m-” 

Vraska’s mother didn’t say a word and looked up at the purple sky. A few moments later, she looked back at her daughter. “You don’t belong here.”

“W-what!?”


	9. This Was Your Life (And Still is)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vraska enters her own personal hell

Vraska awoke after several hours. Or at least, it felt like several hours; in absolute darkness. She had never seen such darkness, not even in the darkest depths of the Undercity. No, this darkness was so dark that not even her nightvision would work. It was the first time she ever felt afraid of the dark. 

“Hello?” Vraska called out. Strangely, her voice didn’t travel at all, it was as if wherever she was, was some sort of reverse echo chamber.   
There was no answer. 

“Hello?!” This time she called out even louder. But this time the voice sounded warped and gargled, as if she yelled it out underwater. That was when she noticed a cold, wet feeling trickle up her body. The gorgon tried moving her limbs to run away, but the wet feeling only pulled her in, further into a pile of what felt like a thick ooze. 

“You killed me... “ A gurgling voice reverberated through her ear. One voice after another repeated the phrase. And some sounded familiar… Vraska’s victims. The voices of every single person she had killed, joined together in a choir of discordant and vengeful voices. There was no use for her to say “sorry”, for they were already dead, the tormentors of her own personal hell. 

She was now fully submerged, choking on the miasmic fluid that reminded her of the stench of the Azorius prison camp she was once held in for many years. Tears ran down her face. Was this eternity? 

Suddenly, the space around her became cloaked with a blinding light. The fluid around her screamed as it dissolved into the air. And once she was finally able to move, she stood up and looked around. But all she saw was light. 

“Vraska?.... Vraska? Please wake up!”

Finally a voice replied to her cries for help. 

And then she woke up. Propped up against the very tree she was crushed into. Jace’s swollen eyes were staring right into Vraska’s. While Agnum was kneeled over near his side. 

“I’m so glad you’re awake! I thought you were dead for sure- I-” Jace reached over to hug Vraska, but was blocked by Agnum’s bloody wing. “Careful, Jace. She’s still in a lot of pain.” 

Vraska didn’t really want a hug anyways. Or did she? The gorgon didn’t quite know. She wanted to hug Jace and hold him for the longest time. But she also didn’t want to be touched. “What happened… I thought I was dead, and I saw dead people?”

“You died. But Agnum healed you quickly enough so that your soul went back into your body. If there wasn’t an angel around, you definitely wouldn’t have woken up.” 

Not realizing the severity of the situation, Agnum spoke up. “Oooh! Sounds like as you were dying, your brain produced DMT, causing you to see some weird shit. Lucky you! I have to buy mine off the street for five zinos a gram!” 

Vraska felt a pang of sympathy for Agnum. For she too had been exposed to so much death when she was young, that it became a part of her everyday life. 

“Well, I’m off to clean up the blood and guts now. Jace, make sure she’s on bedrest for at least a week! The angel then flew off. 

With nobody around now except Jace, Vraska sobbed into Jace’s arms in a moment of catharsis. And even though she was alive now, she knew she was still in her own personal hell.


	10. Sad and Wasted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agnum drinks her problems away

Vraska knew she had to stay strong for Jace’s sake. He was going to give birth to the snabies any day now, she had to keep it together. For her family, for her kingdom. She wouldn’t let New Ravnica down, not like how she let down the Golgari due to The Gathering Storm’s poor characterization of her.

Jace lay beside her, also on bedrest. His health also lie in the hands of Vraska’s loyal servants. The mindmage looked at her with worried eyes. “Hey, is something bothering you? Something’s been off about you ever since you came back from the fight with Bolas. What is it?”

Vraska sighed heavily, a bit surprised Jace didn’t do any digging in her memories. “I’m just worried about you and the snabies. That’s all.” 

“Really? Because that doesn’t seem like all.” 

“It is. Trust me. Gorgon births take a toll on the father. I’m just scared your penis will be obliterated by the dozens of larvae that are going to come out.” 

Jace seemed scared. “Wait, so they really do come out of the penis?” All of a sudden, he started bawling. “Oh gods, what if my penis becomes flaccid and deflated forever? Would you ever love a permanently flaccid man?”

A bit freaked out, the gorgon put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I love you no matter how flaccid you are. And besides, you’ve been flaccid for a month anyways due to all the female hormones the eggs are producing. And we’ve still made things work.”

“Oh gods, I’m such a soyboy… I LOOK LIKE A COW!” He started bawling even harder, and Vraska tried even harder to reassure him. There was no way she could tell him what happened now. Not with all the stress he was under. 

“Yo! Imma do what I do in Dungeons and Dragons and barge into people’s houses without knocking!” Agnum shouted as she kicked open the door to Aurelia’s house.

Gideon and a giant white liger man who were sitting at the coffee table, looked towards the source of the sound, confused. Gideon tried to clear the awkward silence. “Ah, Agnum. Good to see you. This is my friend, Ajani. Ajani, this is my sister-in-law, Agnum. 

“Aye, Agnum”, Ajani said leoninly, grinning his leonin grin. 

“Hiiii there, Aslan”, Agnum hiccuped. 

Gideon looked up and noticed Agnum’s face was much redder than usual. “Hey, Agnum. Have you had anything to drink recently?” 

“No. Just a bottle of abstinence.” The angel hiccuped. 

“Oh well, good for you. There’s nothing wrong from abstaining from vic-” 

Ajani leoninly elbowed Gideon. “I’m pretty sure she means absinthe.” 

“Ohhhhhhhh.” Gideon frowned. “Agnum, I thought you didn’t drink.” 

Agnum smiled and let out a small drunken giggle. “I don’t. But I dunno, I don’t wanna go back home so I figured that I’d have a little fun.” 

“But don’t you normally take MDMA or smoke a bunch of weed to dull the pain? This isn’t like you at all.” 

The angel shrugged. “What can I say? It’s a habit I learned from Tajic during our days on the battlefield. I figured I’d finally give it a shot. I’m sick of feeling bad about myself! I-” She fell to her knees and saw her reflection in the freshly-waxed floor. “Oh, what are you doing ya little wanker?” Her Scottish accent became even more noticable. She then punched the floor, shattering the tile with her incredible angel strength and heavy gauntlets. 

The sound of the commotion was loud enough to summon Aurelia, who had been working out in the other room. She was wearing a sports bra and athletic shorts. She had big ‘ol tiddies and a 6-pack of steel. Not that that’s relevant to the story in any way, but I just wanted to plant that image into your head. “What the hell is going on?” She asked in a very serious no-nonsense tone. She scanned the room with her intense, golden orbs. “Agnum. You’re drunk.” 

“No, you are.” Aurelia’s sister said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Aurelia scooped Agnumn off the floor and took her into the master bedroom. Gideon and Ajani just looked at eachother and shrugged. 

Aurelia placed Agnum down onto her bed. “Okay. What’s going on, Agnum?”

Agnum burst into tears. “I- I saw some shit, okay!? I’m too scared to face Tajic and have him deal with my mental issues, he already has enough on his plate.” 

Aurelia gently embraced Agnum, resting her sister’s head on her shoulder. “It’s okay, I understand.” 

Agnum sniffled. “You do?” 

“Yeah, I’ve felt the same way with Gideon before.” She paused. “I’ll call Tajic and tell him that you’re alright. Why don’t you sober up here for the night?”

“Okay…” 

Aurelia left the room after a while and Agnum fell asleep. A few hours later, she woke up with Gideon curled up against her back, fast asleep. It was definitely one of the hours of the night when humans are asleep. She liked sleeping next to Gideon and had done so many times, he was like a brother to her. She could trust him. Not wanting to wake him up, she sat up and weighed her options. She didn’t really want to go back to sleep, but she’d need to be quiet to avoid waking anyone up. And she was definitely too drunk to read still. Then suddenly, she felt a familiar aura nearby. It was Ral. At this hour of the night?   
Curious, she snuck out the door and flew to the source of his energy a few blocks away. She landed in front of him. “Good evening, Guildmaster Zarek.” She said rather sloppily. 

Ral raised an eyebrow. “It’s 3am.” 

Agnum frowned. “Wait, really? What’s a human like you doing awake at this hour?”

“Getting drunk obviously.” 

The angel lit up. “OMG, me too. We’re like, total twinsies. Let’s go barhopping.”

“Well, I don’t want to go home anyways. So I guess.” 

A few minutes later, Agnum followed Ral into a nearby bar. The angel sat down on a chair and spun around. “Gee Ral, there sure are a lot of men in here.” 

Ral paused. “Wait. Shit. I wasn’t thinking.” 

“What?” Agnum tilted her head. 

“This is a gay bar.” 

“Ah.”

Suddenly, the bartender walked up. “M’am. You can’t be in here, this establishment is for men only.” 

Agnum remembered that one scene from “Ravnica is Burning” and spoke up. “Well it just so happens that I have a penis!”

The bartender squinted. “M’am, just because you have a penis, doesn’t mean you’re a man.” 

Agnum ignored him and shoved her hand down her pants. 

Ral shook his head. “Agnum, whatever you’re about to do… Just no.” 

The angel unzipped her jeans and stuck her finger through the fly. “Eh? Eh? How do you like them apples?”

“M’am. You need to leave before I call security.”

Ral sighed and dragged Agnum out of the bar while she was screaming “FUCK GENDERS!”

The next bar the two went to was a typical bar. It was straight as can be, and in fact was mostly women at this time of night. They sat down. Agnum ordered a martini, while Ral ordered a clearly watered-down glass of scotch on the rocks. The ice cubes were already half-melted by the time he got it. 

Ral swirled his drink around. “Geez, straight people really listen to this music?”

Agnum frowned. “You don’t like it?”

The storm mage shrugged. “Or maybe it's just because I’m getting old now.” 

“Could be both.” Agnum took a sip of her martini. 

A gaggle of drunk girls approached Ral. “Hey cutie. Wanna dance with me?” One of them said. 

“No, get away bitch! He’s mine!” Another girl snapped.

The third girl slid between the two and put her hands on Ral’s shoulders. “How about we ditch these fools and have some fun at my place.” 

Ral, mortified, looked at Agnum with a face that said “help me.” 

Agnum tried her best to diffuse the situation. “Sorry girls, you can’t have him. He’s my boyfriend.” 

Suddenly, the three girls started screaming at Agnum and they were suddenly drunkenly fistfighting on the floor. Ral stared at the scene, flabbergasted. Luckily, the girls didn’t put up much of a fight with Agnum’s superhuman strength and quickly ran off.

The angel wobbily got up. “Sorry you had to see that.”

Ral frowned. “Why didn’t you just tell them I was gay?”

“Huh. I didn’t really think of that.” 

What happened afterwards was vague and blurry. Agnum went to a few more bars with Ral, had some drinks, had fun. But that’s all she could really remember. 

The next day, she woke up sandwiched in between Ral and Tomik. She yawned and stretched out her wings. “Good morning.” 

Tomik opened his eyes and smiled. “Morning, Agnum.” He paused, confused on why Agnum seemed so chipper. Then he remembered that angels couldn’t get hangovers. He sat up and turned his attention towards Ral. “Good morning, sleepyhead.” The advokist said softly, gently running his fingers through Ral’s thick black hair.

Ral let out a muffled groan through his pillow, indicating that he was really feeling last night. 

“I thought so. Let me get you some tea.” Tomik got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. 

Agnum laid back down and stared at the ceiling. Then she suddenly remembered something. Tajic. Fuck, he was probably looking all over for her. She missed him. And yet- she didn’t want to go back home just yet. She was sick of feeling sorry for herself. Of bottling up her feelings and putting a facade of happiness for her love’s sake. All these years of hiding her true feelings had finally boiled over into a big mess. Like, when you put your ramen noodles in a boiling pot of water, but then you decide to jerk off, but you’re edging yourself to some really good porn on a premium Patreon page, and then the ramen noodles boil over and all the water evaporates, and then the noodles catch on fire, and then you have to explain to your landlord why your whole apartment smells like smoke and jizz. That’s what Agnum was feeling right now. 

The angel sighed deeply and turned towards Ral. “Hey bud…” She sympathetically smiled and put a hand on the stormmage’s shoulder. “How ya feeling?”

Ral groaned and pulled the covers back over his head. 

“Humans”, Agnum scoffed as she turned her attention towards Tomik, who handed the angel a cup of tea. “Thanks.” She drank up. “Hey Tomik, uh-”

“Yeah?”

“You mind if I stay here for a little while longer?” She set the mug down on her lap. 

Tomik set his mug down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. “But won’t Tajic miss you?”

Agnum’s eyes hit the floor. “I just- Ehhhh, you know?”

“Is something wrong?” The advokist seemed a bit concerned. 

“I don’t want to go back home. I don’t need Tajic to see the kind of person I’ve become.” 

Tomik raised an eyebrow. “When you what?”

Ral peeked his head above the covers. 

Agnum sighed. “When we confronted Bolas the other day.” 

Shocked, Tomik turned his head over towards Ral. “YOU TWO DID WHAT!?”


	11. An Explanation for what Happened in Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the thingy the title says. Also, Agnum has the big sad

Chapter 10: What the fuck happened in Chapter 7

In a flash, Vraska hit the tree with a loud thud, followed by a cracking noise. Ilharg was turned to stone, and in the momentum of his charging, had killed Vraska.  
“NONONONONO! OH GODS VRASKA NO!” Agnum flew down to Vraska’s aid. Tears flowing down her hot cheeks, she frantically unearthed the rubble with her sexy angel strength and held her lifeless body. There was so much blood that she couldn’t even tell pebble from flesh. She replayed Vraska’s death over and over in her head until she let out a cathartic cry for her fallen comrade. (Not like the communist kind or anything). Then she frantically tried to heal her, it might work. She’d seen Aurelia bring people back from the dead countless times. But perhaps she was long gone. All her bones were comminuted, some of the fractures were even open ones. It was as if Agnum was trying to reassemble a lifeless meat puppet. But then slowly but surely, she felt the gorgon’s heart begin to beat. Yet her trauma and guilt still remained. 

Meanwhile, Bolas had shown up. He shot out of the ground and yelled “THIS ISNT EVEN MY FINAL FORM!” and then slapped Ral with his long, girthy tail. 

“OH NO!” Kaya shouted as she grabbed Ral by the scruff of whatever the fuck you call the thing he was wearing, preventing him from falling to the ground. 

“Thanks, Ral said as he wiped the blood off of his face. It wasn’t his blood, he knew this because it didn’t taste like Hepatitis A through Z. So who knows who it really came from. 

Kaya looked up and sized up the dragon. “Aw fuck, how are we going to beat this thing? He’s strong, yet it’s not even his final form!”

Ral had a Jimmy Neutron-style brain blast. “Wait, you can go inside things, so why not go inside Bolas?”

Kaya frowned. “Ral, in case you haven’t realized by the fact I own a cat, I am a lesbian.” 

Ral shook his head. “No, I mean- Go inside him with your epic feminist ghostbuster powers and stab him in the heart a bunch of times.” 

“Isn’t that vore?”

“Kaya.” Ral’s expression turned more serious. “Who cares if its vore. The fate of the multiverse lies in your hands.” 

“Okay.” Kaya climbed up Bolas while running like in Naruto and then turned into a ghost and jumped inside the elder dragon’s chest cavity.” 

“OHHH FUCK I DIDN’t PLAN FOR THIS!” Bolas shouted in agony. 

Kaya then got out her knife and stabbed Bolas’s heart a bunch of times, and then turned back into a ghost and jumped out. 

“FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!” Bolas shouted as he collapsed to the ground. 

Suddenly, Ugin flew in. “Thanks guys.” He then picked up Bolas’s lifeless body and planeswalked with it. 

Ral turned to Kaya. “Cool, wanna go to TGI Friday’s after this?”

The flashback then stopped. Agnum was bawling softly into Tomik’s chest. 

“It’s okay Agnum. I understand.” Tomik held on tight to the angel and ran his fingers through her hair, his legs uncomfortably crossed. On one hand, he needed to be there for Agnum. On the other, he was half-chubbed from hearing about all this action and wanted Ral to do a little of his own action inside his asshole. He had a galaxy brain idea. 

“There, there, sweetheart.” He kissed Agnum softly on the forehead and let go of his grip, realizing the angel was now a little calmer. “Why don’t you lay down on the couch and read some of my law books, there’s some ice cream in the fridge and blankets in the linen closet. Take a nice little nap and cover your ears so you can enjoy the quiet.” 

Agnum sniffled. “That last part was suspiciously specific, but okay.” She got up and went out to the livingroom, shutting the door.

Tomik knew he should’ve been a better friend. But he had a boner dammit. And sometimes boners make people do irrational things. 

Ral gave him a strange look. Tomik looked back at him with bottom eyes. 

The storm mage looked surprised. “Right now, seriously?”


	12. The Magic Butthole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomik reminisces about a magic butthole he once saw

“Ral, I just asked to shag and you’re seriously questioning my motives? That’s not like you at all. Come here and toss my salad.” 

“Okay.” And so Ral glomped Tomik and kissed him aggressively. This salad was going to have  _ extra  _ ranch. 

“Awww fuck yeah”, Tomik moaned.

“I can’t believe you, Tomik.” Ral undid his belt and started to grind his ever-growing bulge against the advokist’s. “You’re such a dirty little whore, getting horny from hearing about my best friend’s fiance dying.”

Tomik’s bulge only grew larger. “Yeah, I’m a dirty little whore. Fuck me.” 

Ral smirked. “Damn, I wish I could just stick my dick in your ass. Where’s the lube?”

Tomik stopped in his tracks and froze. He suddenly remembered something from his teenage years. Yeah… He once hooked up with a man with a magical butthole. It didn’t need lube, and it felt so weird, and slimy, and bumpy on the inside. And it was right where his balls should’ve been. But why now of all times was he remembering it? Tomik snapped out of la la land (No, not the award-winning film about the history of jazz) and wen’t back to reality. 

“You okay? Is there something wrong?” Ral asked, concerned. The bottle of lube already in his hands. 

The advokist shook his head. “No… just thinking about buttholes.”

“Oh. Good because thats what im thinking about too.” Ral rubbed the lube on his dingaling and slowly inserted it inside his lover.” 

“Unff…” Tomik involuntarily let out a moan as he felt his asshole stretch around Ral’s cock, letting out a shockwave of pleasure. Ral clasped onto Tomik’s girdle for support and doubled Tomik’s weight with a powerful thrust that pressed hard against his prostate. He was going hard and fast, Tomik’s asshole eagerly swallowing that dick like it was ice cream or whatever. “Yes… Yes… YES!” His screams of pleasure echoed across the walls of the bedroom as he felt himself become close, jacking himself off now to increase the sensation. Ral was getting close as well. He slowed down his pace a little, exchanging speed for power. “Ahhhhh….” Tomik sighed, blowing his load into a cupped hand. 

Ral stopped, although he was still inside Tomik. “I still haven’t cum yet, Tomik.” 

Tomik nodded, panting a little. “Okay, let me just catch my breath.” He took a deep breath and looked at Ral, giving him a nod of consent. 

Ral cracked his nuckles, then started thrusting at full speed again. 

“HOLY SHIT RAL, YOU’Re GOING TO DESTROY MY ASSHOLE!” Tomik yelped. 

“It doesn’t hurt, right?” Ral asked, hornily worried. 

“Well no.” Tomik smirked. “But that’s only because you’re not that big.”

The storm mage hornily frowned. “I’ll show you big!” He thrusted HARD as he let out his load with a thrust, causing the creampie to fly at a velocity which sprayed his face. Ral panted and pulled out. “There.” He collapsed on the bed, Tomik did the same. 

“Tired?” Tomik said with a smirk.

“Yeah.” Ral looked over at his lover and smiled, then closed his eyes. Tomik did the same, falling fast asleep.

In Tomik’s dream, he was eighteen. 

Back in those days, he almost always topped. But ever since he met Ral, he became the bottom bitch. It wasn’t because Ral had a bigger dick or anything. No, quite the contrary. It was because he never bothered to prep and always ended up making a mess. And Tomik was a very meticulous conniseur of assholes. 

He was at some sort of political conference with his cousin, Teysa. Politics weren’t interesting to him at the time. He was a teenager, a very horny teenager. He looked around the auditorium as the speaker was talking about trade deals or something. Then he saw him- the twinkiest twink in the multiverse. He was short and wearing a blue cloak, there was just something about him. That caught Tomik’s interest. He wondered what the man looked like under that cloak. The man stared back for a few moments. 

_ “Hey.”  _

Tomik looked around, confused. 

_ “I couldn’t help but notice you staring at me.”  _

The advokist in training realized that this was coming from the man. He must’ve been a telepath. 

_ “Oh yeah, sorry.”  _

The man smirked. _“Don’t be, I’m flattered. And you’re quite handsome yourself.” _

Tomik blushed and shifted in his seat. Teysa glanced over, wondering what was making her cousin so flustered. 

_ “Wanna ditch this place and hook up behind the table with free subs?” _

Tomik’s face grew an even deeper shade of red. _“Y-you mean the one that has those cookies that are chewy but like, in a bad way and taste really stale?”_

_ “Yeah. That’s the one.” _

_ “Are you fucking crazy?” _

_ “I’m about to be.”  _

Tomik made flustered gay sounds in his head. 

_ “Look, I’m a master at illusions. I can make the two of us invisible and nobody will ever know.”  _

The advokist’s apprentice nodded. It did sound excited, fucking a twink senseless next to the free food table at a political conference. _“Yeah. Sure.”_

The mysterious twink got out of his chair. _“Yeah. Let’s go.” _

And so they met behind the table. The excitement had already made it’s way town to Tomik’s pants. He had a boner really badly. The mysterious blue man was giving him mysterious blue balls. 

“Nice of you to make it here.” The twink finally said out loud. He cast a spell to make the two appear silent and invisible to the other people. He then sat down on the floor. “Be like a lawyer with the way you get me off.” 

“Haha nice, I get that reference because I too am 19 and emo.” Tomik said as he undid his pants and revealed the throbbing member of his poking out through his briefs. He straddled himself onto the twink and took off his cloak, but when he got to his corset, the man shook his head. “I would prefer if you didn’t take off my shirt.” 

“Sorry.” Tomik thought that was strange, but didn’t question it. He then took off the twink’s pants and underwear. He had the strangest genitals. A very small penis and an asshole between his legs. But the advokist was really too horny to care. “Since I don’t have any lube on hand, I think I’m just gonna lick it first, is that okay?”

“Yeah.” The uncloaked twink nodded and shuddered as Tomik’s tongue hit his magic asshole. 

The magic asshole was strange and bumpy, and not very tight. It felt like a warm, inviting cavern. “Oh golly, I’ve never eaten an ass quite like this before!” Tomik’s voice echoed through the man’s cavernous bussy. 

“Yeah. It’s a magic asshole, that’s why.” 

Tomik sucked and played with the magical asshole, rolling his tongue around the rim, which caused a little bit of liquid to squirt into his mouth. The mouthfeel was unlike anything else. Wait, no. Something wasn’t right. 

Tomik abruptly woke up, his eyes wide-open. Now he realized it. That man was Jace and that “magic asshole” was most certainly a vagina. He ate Teysa’s pussy a few times before realizing he was gay. He knew what a vagina felt like. Not that he really cared about a man’s genitals. He shook Ral awake, freaking out. “RAL, I JUST REALIZED THAT I HOOKED UP WITH JACE!”

Ral turned over. “Yeah, me too. You’re not special.” He mumbled through his pillow. 


	13. Seven Heavenly Sins

Finally, it had happened. Jace had given birth out his dick. It hurt like hell, it was like passing 50 kidney stones. But it was worth it. It was the greatest thing he had ever done. As he lied down in bed, recovering, he looked to the aquarium next to his bed. He was proud of himself. But at the same time, he felt a feeling of great discomfort. Something that said this was so wrong. But why?

Agnum had left Ral and Tomik’s house after taking a nap. She didn’t really fall into a deep sleep, as some weird banging sound in the bedroom was keeping her awake. But she shrugged it off. It was now the evening, and the angel contemplated going back to Tajic’s place. “No. Not yet.” She thought to herself. 

Suddenly, a portal to the Blind Eternities opened up out of nowhere, and a dashing red man popped out. “Hello there, it is I, Tibalt! I am evil”

Agnum, surprised, took a step back. “Shit, what is that?” She pulled her Dungeons and Dragons 5e Monster Manual and started frantically flipping through the pages. “Holy shit, a fucking tiefling!”

Tibalt shook his head. “No. A half-demon. Half man, half demon.” 

“So a tiefling?”

Tibalt was not amused. “No! A half-demon! I am not a tiefling!”  
“Whatever, tiefling.” Agnum put the manual back in her pocket. “So what brings you to this plane?”

Tibalt tilted his head in confusion. “Wait, plane, you don’t happen to be a planeswalker, do you?”

Agnum nodded. “Yeah. I can do so because I have part of a human’s soul. Anyways, that’s not plot relevant. What the fuck is a demon like you doing in Ravnica? Go to Hell or Phyrexia or something.” 

“Well, Hell is kinda boring, and I can’t go to New Phyrexia for… reasons. Anyways, I’m here to destroy your plane.” 

“Ohhh, well get in line, bucko. You’re like the third guy to attempt that.” Agnum drew her sword. 

“Wait, hold on.” Tibalt gestured for her to come closer.

Agnum walked over to him. “Wha-” She inquired before getting sucker punched by the demon. “Ow! Why did you do that!?”

Tibalt grinned. “Because I have absolutely no morals. Anywho, I believe your time to die is-” He looked at his watch. “Now.” He summoned black mana from deep within the plane and the ground began to glow underneath him. “Today I will do something so evil that it will make me the evilest person in the multiverse!”

“Oh no! Evil things are bad!” Agnum cried out. 

And then it happened, Tibalt’s body began to glow and seven shadowy people came out of it. Agnum would’ve stabbed him while he was in such a vulnerable position, but that wasn’t proper plothole etiquette. 

Finally, the spell resolved, and standing in front of him were seven demons. “I’ve finally done it, random stranger! I have taken every last bit of goodness out of my body and put it into my seven minions. Meet: The Seven Virtues!”

The minions addressed themselves. “Chastity.” Said a young demon woman in a long dress and light makeup. 

“Temperence!” Said a tall, skinny demon with a smirk. “Charity!” Said a short imp with a quiver full of arrows. “Diligence!” Bellowed a tall, muscular, almost dragonlike demon. “Patience.” Said a tall, stout demon woman wearing armor. “And the least worthy of all to be in your presence: Humility.” Said a short and hairy little imp. “And together, we will destroy Ravnica with our antics!” They shouted into the air. 

“Awww fuck!”, Agnum groaned. “That’s not fair, eight-on-one?” Suddenly she had an idea. She would copy Tibalt’s spell. “Wait a minute, angels and demons are pretty much the same kind of creature. Perhaps two could play at this game…”

“Oh?” Tibalt was intrigued.

“I shall purify myself of all sin to put what little goodness you have back into you!” Agnum raised her glowing fist into the air and summoned seven angels from the mana within her. 

“Lust!” Said the first angel. He seductively licked his lips as he sized up the fair maiden, Chastity, who was standing across from him. 

“Gluttony, Greed, Envy!” Shouted a 3-headed angel hydra with a giant mouth in the center of its belly. Gluttony looked around and swallowed the two other heads, they then poked their heads out of the belly, still stuck in Gluttony’s mouth. 

“Uh- Sloth…” Said an unenthusiastic angel wearing an oversized sweater. 

“Pride!” Said Pride proudly. 

“And Wrath.” Said an angel who looked eerily like Agnum. She seemed much more menacing than the others. 

Agnum closed her eyes and exhaled. “These are my sins. Now go forth, and defeat evil.” 

Tibalt evilly laughed evilly. “Haha! You think the sins of an angel are strong enough to defeat even the tiny amount of good in a demon!? You’re shitting yourself.” 

Agnum frowned. “Don’t underestimate me, Tibalt. I’m fucked up in the head. Like, really fucked up. Last week I got fucked against a wall.” 

“Oh! The angel thinks thats kinky! Don’t make me laugh!” Yesterday, my boyfriend skullfucked me for over an hour! And I liked it too!”

Agnum raised an eyebrow. “Oh? I wasn’t aware someone like you is capable of love.” 

“Not anymore!” Tibalt laughed. 

“Oh, now that is just sad. Come on, sins. Let’s redeem this demon.” 

Wrath raised her sword. “Oh, I’ll redeem him alright.” 

Lust gestured for the wrathful angel to put away her sword. “There’s no need for that, my fickle friend! Let’s make love, not war.” He went over and walked over to Chastity and went down on his knees, kissing her hand. “My, my. You’re stunning tonight, Chastity.” 

Chastity jerked her hand back. “Eww! You kissed me before marriage, you filthy sinner!”

“Well I simply could not resist! You have beautiful hands.” 

Chastity frowned. “Sorry, but I’m looking for a redpilled husband who can withhold my traditional values and gender roles.” 

Suddenly Lust had an idea. He pulled out a box with a ring. “Marry me, Chastity, so we can increase the population of white fundamentalist babies.” 

“Yes! Yes! You based fucking Chad!” Chastity aggressively grabbed Lust and kissed him passionately on the lips. And then they both poofed into smoke. 

Tibalt blinked. “What the fuck just happened?”

Agnum shrugged. “I think they defeated eachother.” 

“Huh. So that’s why I suddenly feel love for my boyfriend again.” Tibalt mused. 

“And I want to be fucked against a wall…” 

“Shut up you vanilla bitch!!!!!!” Tibalt shouted. “Diligence! Take care of these poor excuses for sins!”

Agnum sized up the powerful demon. This was only the beginning of a long battle….


	14. Time to D-d-d-d-d-DUEL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pride duels it out, Jace prepares for a special visit

Standing in front of her was a powerful bastion of a demon. With scales like iron and the muscles of a dragon, this would be no easy feat to beat. That was unless Agnum could think of something clever. She didn’t have the power of strength on her side, but she did have a secret weapon: cartoon logic. “Pride, you’re up!”

“Oh, this will be a piece of cake”, Pride sneered, crossing her arms. I’m going to FUCK YOUR FACE epicly.”

“Fucking my face won’t do anything, Pride”. Diligence said with a low growl. 

“Humph.” She turned her head. “I’ll break your hard armor scales, and that’s a promise.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah!” Pride pulled two decks of Magic: The Gathering cards out of her pocket. “I challenge you to a d-d-d-d-duel!” She tossed Diligence a deck. 

The dragon examined the deck with his giant dragon hands. “Interesting. How do you plan to kill me using Magic: The Gathering cards?”

Pride smirked. “Oh, you’ll see.” She shuffled her deck and drew seven cards, then did a London Mulligan. She played an Island land card. 

Diligence drew a hand of seven from his deck and played a Forest, then Llanowar Elves.“Pass.” 

Pride drew a card and played another Island. “Pass.” 

Diligence kept a perfect pokerface even though he had a plan. He played another Forest and cast Paradise Druid.

“UH-OH! You didn’t ask if it resolved or not!” Pride smirked. 

Diligence sighed. “No, did it resolve?”

Pride had a shit-eating grin on his face. “No it didn’t! Fuck you!” He pulled Counterspell out of his hand and flicked it in Diligence’s face. “I counter your mana ramp.”

Diligence put it in his graveyard. It was now Pride’s turn. Pride drew a card and then played a Forest land card. “Ooohooohooo look what I got” He played Oko, Thief of Crowns. 

The dragon frowned. “Hey, no fair! He’s banned!”

“I didn’t specify what format we were playing, so anything goes.” Pride continued. “Anyways, I +2 my Oko and create a food token. Pass turn.” 

Diligence drew a card and played a Plains land card. “I cast Rhys The Redeemed. And then I cast Imperious Perfect. Pass.” 

Pride smirked. “You just activated my trap card!” He activated Oko’s +1 ability and turned Imperious Perfect into a 3/3 elk creature token. He then played an Island land card. 

Diligence laughed. “You seriously just turned my creature into a token when I’m using a Rhys deck!? You fool!”   
Pride Smirked. “I run four copies of Illness in the Ranks in my deck.” He pulled a Fae of Wishes out of his hand. “I’ll use the adventure sorcery on this to grab a card from my wishboard. I assume this resolves?”

“Yeah…” 

Pride smirked and pulled a Blue Eyes White Dragon from his pocket. “I play Blue Eyes White Dragon.” 

“Hey! You can’t play a Yu-gi-oh card in Magic: The Gathering! That’s cheating!” Diligence shouted.” 

“Uh-huh. Yeah I can.” Pride assured. 

“No you fucking can’t!” Diligence snapped. 

“Actually, yeah you can.” He pulled out the official Magic: The Gathering rulebook. “This book doesn’t say anything about not being able to use cards from other games.” 

“It’s obvious! It doesn’t need to be in the rulebook!”

Pride stroked his chin as if he was thinking deep thoughts. “And yet they put all the other obvious rules in the book. Curious.” 

“AGHHHHHH! YOU’RE AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK!” Diligence grabbed Pride by the head and smashed him against the ground, killing him instantly and poofing him into a cloud of fairy dust. Diligence also poofed into fairy dust, his defining characteristic no longer existing within him. 

Tibalt dusted the glittery dust off of himself. “Good show. Almost as good as what the Rakdos can do. Tell me, what will you play next?”

Meanwhile, Jace laid down on the couch and sighed. 

“What’s wrong?” Vraska asked, worriedly. 

Jace hesitated for a moment. “It’s just- The snabies won’t have any family to meet when they’re a little older. I feel bad that they’ll never get to experience going to their grandma’s house or whatever. 

The gorgon squinted. “You have parents though, don’t you?”

Jace shrugged. “Yeah but like, I haven’t seen them since I was 12 and ran away to Ravnica after brainblasting myself. I’ve thought about visiting them again but that was 16 years and they probably think I’m dead, so that would be really awkward.” 

The gorgon gave him a weird look. “Better than thinking their son is dead?”

“Egh… I guess you’re right. I better tell my parents that I’m not dead and that they have 50 gorgon grandkids now.” He got off the couch. “Come on, let’s go.” 

Vraska stopped him. “Wait a minute, won’t your parents freak the fuck out when you bring a giant snake home monster home with you?”

“Vraska sweetie…” He gently held her hands in front of him. “All women are queens.” 

Vraska sighed. “Jace, half your problems stem from being a simp, quit it.” 

“Okay fine. I’ll change you into something that won’t scare people.” He cast an illusion spell that changed her appearance into one of a viashino. 

“This isn’t much better.” Vraska said. 

“Yeah, well I’m going to have to come out to my parents as a scalie at one point. Might as well get that out of the way first.” 

“Okay, that’s valid I guess.” 

“Ready?” Jace opened up a portal to the Blind Eternities. 

“Yeah.” Vraska took Jace’s hand and they walked through together.


	15. Shit Hits the Fan (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transphobia tw

Tibalt sighed. “Well, there goes two of my virtues.” He smirked. “But no need to fear! I still have five more.” 

Suddenly, Wrath drew her sword and pointed it at Tibalt, who was foolishly standing near her. “Not if I kill you.” 

Agnum frowned. “Wrath! Killing people is bad! You shouldn’t kill him!”

Wrath groaned. “Ugh. You really are soft without me. Follow my lead, Agnum. We’ll give him a soft assbeating in uh- the name of justice.” 

“Well… If it’s for justice then- Alright!” Agnum drew her sword. “Let’s kick Tibalt’s ass!”

When the pair of pirates got to Vryn, Jace looked up to Vraska, worriedly. 

“What’s wrong?” The gorgon disguised as a viashino asked. 

“Are you really sure you don’t want to be your true self?”

“Jace, sweetie… You don’t know what it’s like for people to think you’re a monster. To have people turn their heads in disgust or do a double-take when they see you. I just want to fit in for once. To have just a moment where I’m seen as normal. I don’t get that very often.” 

“I know, I just- Don’t think this is the right way to do it.” 

“You don’t understand-” 

Vraska interrupted. “You don’t. You’ll never know what it’s like to be me. So please don’t assume that your parents aren’t going to have a heart attack when they see a giant, six-foot snake monster behind you!” 

“I-” Jace sighed. “I’m sorry.” 

Vraska put a hand on Jace’s shoulder. “We can tell them when we’re ready.” 

Jace walked up to a large house knocked on the door. “Mom, dad! I’m alive after sixteen years!” 

Vraska nervously smiled. “Think you could word it better?”

“Well, what else am I gonna say?”

An old man opened the door. “Who are you?”

Jace frowned. “It’s me! Your son, Jace.” 

The old man squinted. “Holy shit… You really did it.” 

An old woman walked up to the door. “Who is this?”

“This man is claiming to be a son of our’s.” The old man replied. 

Vraska was standing behind Jace. She was amazed that despite having the appearance of a big, spiky, scaly lizard, that nobody had said anything about it yet. Especially considering there were no lizardfolk on this plane. 

The woman scrunched up her face. “Him? No way.” 

Jace nervously smiled. “Well, if you don’t believe me, then I’ll show you.” He took a deep breath and placed a hand on each of his parent’s shoulders. He transmitted a memory of when he was a child and his parents gave him a kitten for his birthday. They were both smiling and happy that he liked his gift. Then he took his hands off when the memory ended. “Well?”

The father looked at him sternly. “I can’t believe you actually went through with it.” 

Jace’s eyes hit the ground. “I’m sorry for running away.” 

“No! I mean becoming a man!”

“W-what? But I’ve always been a guy.” Jace was confused. 

“You were born a woman, and you’ll always be a woman.” The mother said. She smiled. “No matter how much you try to disguise yourself, you’ll always be my little Jacelyn.”

“W-what?” Jace was even more confused, but it was all starting to make sense now. 

“Please. Come sit down, you too.” The mother gestured for Jace and Vraska to come in the living room. They reluctantly obliged and sat down. 

Jace’s entire world was starting to fall apart before his very eyes. He was a woman? No. Impossible. He had a penis. A very manly and veiny penis. A penis that he just gave birth out. He looked up to Vraska to get a glimpse of her expression. 

Vraska noticed out of the corner of her eye and looked down at him as if saying “I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s okay”. But those eyes gave him no comfort. 

Jace’s mother sat down on a couch across from the two. “Would you two like some tea?”

“Uh- No thanks.” Jace replied. 

Vraska would’ve asked for tea, but she just wanted to get this over with. 

“Okay. So what’s this about me being a girl or whatever?”  
“Oh, you really don’t know? That sphinx must’ve taught you to erase your whole memory or something.” Jace’s father crossed his arms. 

“Well uh- I did go to mindmage school, so yeah.” 

Jace’s mother sighed. “Jacelyn, ever since you were a little girl, you were well, different.” 

“Oh, just say it- She dressed like a dyke!” The old man interrupted. 

“Uh well anyways, you did everything you could to look and act like a boy. And all the kids would bully you for it.” 

That’s right. Jace did remember being bullied as a kid. But he never remembered why. 

Jace’s mother went on. “We tried to put you in dresses and get you to act like a girl, but then you started producing illusions that made you look like you were wearing boy clothes, regardless. It was as if you wanted to be bullied.” 

And the memories all came flooding back to him. Every time his parents screamed at him, or grounded him for no reason other than wanting to be himself. Every time the other kids would make fun of him and call him names. Every time he looked at his body and felt trapped. It was all rushing back, and the fog of confusion when he tried to remember his childhood was now replaced with the rain of anguish and uncertainty. His whole world was falling apart. 

Vraska was reminded of when Jace relived his past on Ixalan, and wanted so badly to comfort him. But this wasn’t the place nor time. She was appalled by how he was treated by his parents. How they could say and do such ignorant things to their own child. How they didn’t glare at her with looks of disgust and contempt, but at him instead. 

“I never wanted to be bullied! You two chose to bully me!” He got up. All the memories were flooding back to him. Right until the point where-

And then he vanished into the Blind Eternities. 

Agnum and Wrath looked around proudly at the job they had done. Every sin and virtue had been returned to their owner’s respective bodies, and Tibalt had fled somewhere after all he realized how horny he was. 

“Job well done Agnum. How about I go back inside you now?”

Agnum shook her head. “Sorry Wrath. But I think we should take a break. I’m about to face Tajic again and well- I don’t want to say anything that could hurt him.” 

Wrath scoffed. “Okay, you fucking pussy. How I go back inside you after that?”

Agnum sighed. “Okay. Fine.” 

“It’s settled then.” They both shook hands and Wrath walked the other way. It was time for Agnum to face the truth. 

And it was time for Jace to face himself.


	16. Sundered Butthole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lukka gets laid

Agnum took a deep breath and knocked on Tajic’s door. She hesitated at first, but then she knocked. A very knocky knock, but a knock nonetheless. 

Tajic opened the door, there was a forlorned look on his face, that quickly turned to shock once he saw the angel. “Agnum!” And for a moment, all his anger and resentment had melted away. All that mattered was her. “Dammit Agnum, I was worried sick about you!”

“I-I” Tears flowed down Agnum’s cheek. She was scared for the future, scared of being abandoned, or worse- making Tajic’s life miserable with her emotional baggage. But her urge to be with him was too powerful to flee any longer. “I’m sorry.”

Tajic picked her up and walked to the living room, and shut the door behind him. “What the hell happened?” He set the much smaller angel down on the couch beside him. 

Agnum’s eyes hit the floor. “I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?” Tajic’s resentment quickly turned into concern and compassion as he saw her tears. 

“Scared of hurting you!” She started sobbing. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” He pulled her into a tight hug. “What happened?”

“I killed her, Tajic! I killed her! I’m the worst, the absolute worst!” She sobbed, barely getting the words out. 

“Okay, that’s pretty normal stuff for you to do. What was different about it this time?”

“I killed Vraska! I didn’t mean to, I revived her, but I heard her bones snap and-” She started coughing from choking on her own tears. “It was awful! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

He ran his fingers through her hair and rocked her gently. “It’s going to be okay. It’s over now.” He didn’t know what he should’ve said. That was all that came to his mind. 

“No! It’s not okay! I don’t want to fight again! I don’t want to see it anymore!” Agnum’s sobs grew louder. 

“You don’t need to fight anymore. You can do something else.” 

Agnum pulled away. “And what, be a wuss!?”

“You’re not a wuss, Agnum. 

“Shut up, yes I am!” She frustratedly squirmed in his arms. 

“Hey.” He remained composed as one of the angel’s writhing wings unintentionally slapped him in the face. Tajic sighed and gently pushed her wings down. “Remember how you wanted to be a lawyer?”

“Yeah?” The angel hiccupped. 

“Whatever happened to that?”

Agnum frowned even frownier. “Shit happened, Tajic! Shit happened! A lot of shit happened and I feel responsible for it! This is my burden to bear!” Her lip quivered. “I need to sacrifice myself to feel good about myself.” 

The commander put a gentle hand on Agnum’s shoulder. “Agnum, don’t you see that you’re hurting the people you love when you do this? I’ve hardly eaten, or slept in weeks because of these crazy crusades of martyrdom you’ve been going on. If you can’t care about yourself, then what about me?”

“Don’t guilt-trip me, Tajic!” Agnum snapped. But just as she was about to get up and storm out, she saw the pain in his eyes. “No.” The angel shook her head. “You’re right. I am hurting everyone around me.” 

“So do you agree that you should seek help?” Tajic asked, hoping his words got through to her. 

Agnum cracked a half smile. “Not before I accept the fact that I have a problem.” She hugged him tightly. 

“I love you so much, Agnum.”  
***  
Jace woke up in a swamp. He looked around and wondered just where the hell he was. “Aw fuck. I’m a disgusting tranny in an equally disgusting swamp. For the 12th time in my life I’ve hit rock bottom!” He got up. “Well. Time to build myself a shelter and carve stuff with this knife to regain my masculinity.” He got a knife out of his pocket and began to cut up some tree branches. 

Suddenly, a shadowy figure came from the other side of the swamp. He began to recite some sort of beautiful ancient poetry from the gods. “Somebody once told me, the world ain’t gonna rule me….” He said, a wolf following him, waiting for orders. 

“Actually, it goes “the world aint gonna ROLL me.” Jace sneered. 

“Oh well, okay smartass!” A tall, muscular man wearing a tattered tawny military uniform said. 

“Hey! Can you go away, I’m pissed off and just ran away from my fiance and I’m trying to regain my manliness!” Jace hissed. 

“Whoa, what the fuck? Me too.” The man replied. He let his guard down a little and the wolf at his side walked away. 

Jace blinked, a little confused. “Damn, is this like, some kind of bachelor swamp or something?”

The filthy swamp man shrugged. “I dunno. This is the first plane I’ve been to besides my homeplane. Are bachelor swamps a thing in the multiverse?”

“Perhaps.” Jace smirked. He felt aroused all of a sudden, like he wanted to fuck something to regain his manliness. 

“Looks like this is a blue balls plane.” The man smirked and wrapped an arm around Jace. 

Jace gave a nod of approval, and the mysterious man tackled him to the ground. He rubbed his bulge against Jace’s, frotting him through his pants. “Aww fuck yeah, I haven’t jizzed inside of something in two weeks.” 

Jace paused. “Hey wait, what’s your name? I at least want to know someone’s name before I get into their pants.” 

“It’s Lukka.” Lukka said lukkingly as he ripped his pants off.

“Wow! Someone with an even more stereotypical name than me. Finally something in this swamp validates my cis-ness.” 

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Peter Twinklage. Roll over so I can pound your tight ass.” 

Jace frowned frownily. “Oh not this time! I’m gonna be on top!”

“Fine.” 

Jace aggressively flipped Lukka over and-

“Wait, there’s no lube in the swamp.” The filthy swamp man interrupted. 

“Guess I’ll have to fuck your other hole.” Jace said plainly. 

“My mouth?” Lukka asked, a bit confused. 

Jace shook his head. “No, no. The muffhole.” 

“What the fuck is a muff hole?”

The mindmage smirked. “Prepare to have your mind be just like my dick in 10 minutes- blown!” Jace licked his thumb and then stretched the skin on Lukka’s scrotom. A small hole popped out. 

“Hey, I didn’t know I had a hole there.” Lukka said in amazement. 

“It’s called the muffhole. And I’m gonna fuck it.” Jace licked his hand and then slapped his dick with it to lubricate. Then he stretched out the hole wide enough to stick his weenie inside. “This is going to hurt a little at first, but then it’ll feel really good.” He started to thrust, his penis going in and out of Lukka’s inguinal tubes.” 

“Ak-” Lukka winced a little, but then got used to the sensation. He felt pleasure in places he had never felt pleasure before. He let out a stifled moan. 

“Aww fuck yeah, moan you little bitch.” Jace connected his mind with Lukka’s. “Mind if I double the pleasure?”

“Yeah, sure”, Lukka exhaled. 

Jace then linked the minds of the two, each feeling the sensations of the other. 

Lukka suddenly got flashbacks of the flying tiger. How he felt everything the flying tiger was feeling. How he- No… It wasn’t betrayal- But, the tiger-... 

“STOP!” Lukka cried out.  
Jace pulled out. “Everything alright?”

“No! I’m a monster! And not in the good way!” Lukka shouted before running off into the swamp, ass-naked into the sunset. 

Jace sighed. “Dammit. I didn’t even get to cum.” And so Jace went the opposite direction, wondering which way to take his manhood next.


	17. Kaya's Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garruk is sick of this bullshit

Kaya had no idea what to do. She had hoped the cracks in her homeplane would’ve healed after the defeat of Bolas. But alas, the dragon’s death did nothing for the dying plane. She sat on the edge of a cliff and stared at the rainbow crack in the night sky, wondering how much time she had left to fix all this. 

“You’re Kaya, right?” A voice said from the bushes behind her. 

The ghost assassin flinched in surprised and turned around. “Perhaps. Who are you?”

The source of the voice stepped out of the shadows. She was a tall woman with dark skin and a green cape with a bow and quiver strapped around it. “I am Vivien Reid, a fellow planeswalker.” 

Kaya let her guard down, a bit more at ease. “I see, and what brings you to this plane?”

Vivien stared at the mysterious crack in the sky. “That right there. Whatever it is, I feel Bolas might be behind it.” 

“True. It seems that Bolas’s death never fixed the impact he had on the multiverse.” 

Vivien nodded. “I can still feel it.” She went on. “Tell me everything you can about this.” 

***

Lukka hesitantly woke up. He was still in this miserable swamp, far from home. But now… he was in a bed of leaves? He looked around. “Damn, I must’ve been on one hells of a bender”, the monstermancer thought to himself. 

Suddenly, the tallest man Lukka had ever seen walked into the small hut. “Ah. You’re awake now.” 

Lukka narrowed his eyes. “I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?”

“The name’s Garruk Wildspeaker. A simple man who lives in a simple swamp.” 

“Okay, Garruk.” Lukka frowned. “Why am I in your house?”

“I found you passed out in the swamp, so I decided to bring you here to recover.” 

A wolf walked into the room, wagging his tail. “Woof woof!” The wolf woofed woofily. 

Garruk petted the canine on the head. “Hi Maxwell.” 

The wolf sniffed around and noticed Lukka staring at him. The hairs on the back of his neck raised as his ears went down. “Grr…” 

Garruk looked at his animal friend, then back to Lukka. “I’m sorry, but Maxwell said you took control of his mind. Is this true?”

Lukka sat up. “Wait, hold on. Can you talk to monsters?”

“Yes, I can talk to animals. And I’ll ask this again: what did you do to my friend?”

Lukka hesitated for a moment before giving an answer. “I did my first planeswalk ever, and sorta went out of control and mind controlled two of your wolves.” 

Garruk sighed. “And is it true that you used Maxwell to attack two of his friends?”

“Out of self defense”, Lukka said self-defensively. 

“Well. I can forgive you for that I guess. Just don’t do it again.” 

“Sorry to get off-topic but-” Lukka quickly tried to change the subject. “Why are you friends with such dangerous creatures?”

“They understand me.” Garruk said, scratching Maxwell behind the ears. “Haven’t you ever had an animal friend before?”

Lukka’s mind flashed to the sabertooth dragon tiger he had bonded with earlier, but he quickly shook it off. He shook his head. “Afraid not. I don’t really see the point of a human and a monster being friends.” 

“Well that’s a shame. I think someone like you would benefit from having a pet.” 

“I don’t need a pet!” Lukka snapped back, he got out of bed. “Thank you for helping me, Garruk. But I must get going.”   
“Wait!” Garruk stopped the monstermancer. “If you don’t have any respect for animals, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave this plane.” 

Lukka frowned. “If you show me how to planeswalk, I’ll be glad to.”

“Well…” Garruk was about to say something, but then he smelled the air around him and caught the scent of smoke. A metric fuckton of smoke. “What the hell-” He looked around. Sure enough, the forest was on fire. “Aw fuck, the forest is on fire!”

Lukka looked around. “We gotta run, let me see if I can find a dragon or something to-” 

Garruk frowned. “And do what!? Just leave all the animals to die!?”

“Well it’s not my fault the forest is on fire.” 

Garruk sighed heavily, almost at his wits end. “Come on, Lukka. Follow me before I kick your ass.” 

The two ran through the woods, looking for something. What that something was, Lukka didn’t know. But Garruk seemed keen. The Wildspeaker stopped right in his tracks. “A-ha! I knew it!” 

Suddenly, one of the trees started to move. Much to Lukka’s horror, there was a naked woman encased in it, seemingly piloting the tree like some sort of suit of magic armor. She smirked a twisted smirk. “So, Garruk. We meet again.” 

“Nuh-uh. Get the fuck out of Innistrad before I kick your ass, Wrenn. I do not have time for this shit!” A pack of wolves and leopards gathered behind Garruk, baring their fangs.

Wrenn frowned. “Fine I guess, I’ll have to go destroy the woods in another plane. I’m leaving.” Wrenn said as she opened a portal to the Blind Eternities. 

“Wait! Wait for me!” Lukka said as he jumped in and followed the dryad, wanting desperately to leave this gods-forsaken plane as well. 

***

It was the crack of dawn, and Vivien was cooking something over the campfire that smelled delicious. 

“Thanks for making breakfast, Vivien.” She sat on a log, still huddled up in a blanket. 

Vivien cracked a smile. “No problem. The mushrooms on your homeplane are great.”   
Suddenly, a portal to the Blind Eternities appeared and Wrenn walked out, Lukka fell out and landed on his ass. 

Vivien reacted quickly and put her hands on her bow. “Oh fuck. Not this guy again.” 

Kaya drew her dagger, not wanting to take any chances. “You know him?”

“Oh, we go a long way back.”


	18. Hot on the Trail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agnum actually seeks help

Vivien glared at Lukka. 

Lukka simply frowned. “Vivien, I- “

“You what?”

The monstermancer sighed. “Is Jirina okay?”

“She’s fine, and she said “sorry things had to be this way.” Vivien replied, not taking her eyes off the broken man standing in front of her. 

Lukka looked back at Vivien, his unwavering expression hiding his pain and everything he had seen. “Alright.” He turned to Wrenn. “Wrenn. Let’s go find another place.” The two walked off. 

Kaya put her knife back in its sheath and sat back down. “Vivien, what the hell was that?”

Vivien sighed and sat down too, looking back into the smoldering embers of the fire. “An old friend of mine. Anyways, it’s not important.” She poked the hot coals with a stick and looked back up. “Anyways, Kaya. Since we don’t know what caused this tear, we’re gonna have to investigate.” 

Kaya raised an eyebrow. “And how do you propose we do that?”

****

“Yo, yo. It’s ya girl Agnum, back from therapy.” Agnum set her purse down on the counter and hugged Tajic. 

“How was it?” The guildmage gently kissed the angel on the cheek. 

“Very cathartic! I’m definitely going to have nightmares all night of me reliving my past!”

“Guess I’ll have to pull an all-nighter with you. What’s your favorite flavor of popcorn again?”

There was a sudden and frantic knock at the door. 

“Oh! I’ll get it!” Agnum said as she walked towards the door. 

“You always do.” Tajic replied. 

Agnum opened the door. “Vraska?”

Vraska looked tired. Very tired. “Have you seen Jace anywhere?”

Agnum shook her head. “No, I didn’t even know he was missing. Please, sit down. Let me make you some tea.” 

*****

“Okay, so you can turn into a ghost, right?” Vivien asked. 

“Yeah, why?”, Kaya replied. 

“Okay, I have a plan. It might sound crazy, but I think it might actually work.” Vivien continued. “So my bow can shoot out ghosts. And if you can turn into a ghost, then I can shoot you at the giant rip in the sky and you can look into it.” 

Kaya pondered the plan for a moment. “Hmm… That’s so crazy it might actually work.” 

Vivien smiled. “Good. Let’s get going.” 

About half an hour later, they had made it to the highest cliff in the area. They both stood there for a moment, looking up at the magnificent evening sky. Then Vivien gestured for Kaya to start. 

Kaya nodded back and transformed into her ghost form, making her ghostly body as narrow as possible. Vivien gently grabbed Kaya and pulled her into her bow. “On the count of three. One… Two… Three!” And with great force, Vivien shot Kaya into the sky. 

Kaya felt herself barreling towards the space anomaly with great force, until the momentum stopped and she felt herself float. She was close now, almost too close. And that’s when she felt it: Her mana rapidly draining from her body. At this rate, she’d either die or turn back into a human and plummet to her death. “Vivien! Help!” She cried out. But it was no use, she was much too far away. 

Still, Vivien felt something was wrong and pulled an animal spirit out of her quiver. “Hold on, Kaya!” She shot out the spirit of a pegasus towards Kaya, but as soon as it got close to the anomaly, it got sucked in, it’s aura not being felt on the plane anymore. “Dammit…” 

Kaya couldn’t hang on any longer. She lost consciousness and turned back into a human, falling down quickly. 

Vivien frantically whistled, as loudly as she could, hoping some sort of beast would come to the rescue. A winged felidar suddenly appeared from the clouds and grabbed Kaya with its teeth by the scruff of her jacket. A miracle, and just in time too. As the feather-winged felidar flew back to Vivien, the bowmage felt a pang of pain from deep within her memories. It reminded her of Lukka’s winged cat. Such a loyal and loving companion, brutally slaughtered by selfish humans, all to appease his master who never loved him back. Lukka in her eyes, was a monster. “Thanks, big guy.” She gently patted the felidar on the head and it dropped Kaya into Vivien’s arms. Then it flew off, back into the clouds somewhere. Vivien turned her attention back to Kaya, who luckily was not injured. Just very tired. “Thank you, Kaya.” She placed a gentle hand on her cheek. 

***

Vraska shakily held the mug of tea in her hands. “Thank you Agnum, I really appreciate it.” 

The angel nodded. “Yeah. No problem. So what’s this about Jace? You think he’s on another plane.” 

Vraska nodded. “Yeah. When I was going back to Ravnica I felt his aether trail going to a different plane.” 

Agnum tilted her head. “Then why not go looking for him.” 

Vraska sighed and looked at her reflection in the tea. “I can’t. I have enough work as it is, being the leader of New Ravnica. Not to mention I have 50 something snabies to look after.” 

The angel frowned. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m hot on the case.” 

Tajic finally said something. “Agnum, no. You’ve been working so hard to help yourself, don’t you think this is a step back.” 

Agnum sighed and looked over at him. “Yeah, but.” She shook her head. “Look, it’s nothing serious. And besides, I promise I’ll still make it to therapy and tell you if something’s bothering me.” 

“You promise?”  
“I promise.” Agnum pinky swore to Tajic, the highest form of swearing there was besides saying the z-word. Which was not to be uttered in polite Ravnican society. “I never want to hit rock bottom ever again.” 

“Just be careful. Please.” 

Agnum kissed her lover on the forehead and smiled gently, cupping his cheeks with her hands. “Don’t worry. I’ll be home by tomorrow morning. Don’t stay up all night waiting for me.” She looked back to Vraska. “And don’t worry, Vraska. I’ll do everything I can to make sure Jace makes it home safe and sound.” And then she planeswalked and followed Jace’s trail of aura to a plane she had only ever heard of from her friends. 

The moon was full in Innistrad that night. And behind that moon, were dark secrets.


	19. Pointless Exposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit gets real in Innistrad

Vivien was cooking some sort of mushroom stew over the campfire. But even though the smell of the stew was distractingly delicious, the planeswalker’s brow was still furrowed deep in thought. 

Kaya, who was looking at the sunset, looked back over to Vivien. “So, any plan on what we’re going to do?”

Vivien paused for a brief moment, almost hesitating to say what she was about to say. “Well. It appears to be a mana anomaly that’s coming from the Blind Eternities. I can tell by the shape of it, that it was definitely from Bolas.” 

The ghost-assassin nodded, not surprised at all. But what did surprise her was Vivien’s attention to detail. “I’ve been meaning to ask, just how do you know about Bolas?”

Vivien sighed heavily. “He destroyed my plane. Burned it to the ground.” 

Kaya didn’t quite know what to say. “Wow… That’s awful. I’m sorry that happened.” 

Vivien looked up from the campfire, hope in her eyes. Like not literally though, metaphorically. “The past is the past, Kaya. And that’s why I want to save this plane so badly.” 

The ghost-hunter cracked a small smile. “Yeah. And I’m forever grateful for that.” 

Vivien continued and stirred the stew. “Anyways. I know of a creature that can fix this mana anomaly. But if we don’t do this right, the fate of the entire Multiverse will be put into jeopardy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh great Shub-Emrarath, your time is coming soon.” A cloaked figure said, holding a golden goblet of wine. 

“The time of Shub-Emrarath is upon us”, several more cloaked figures behind him chanted. 

“Shub-Crackarath!” Someone shouted from the crowd of suspicious cult members. 

The cult leader, Shub-Crackawrath, took off his cloak, revealing his strange horns covered by hair, and ears like a lop that dangled over his shoulders. “What is it?”

The man in the crowd continued. “An angel has been spotted in Innistrad! And it’s not one of the Eldrazi abominations. A pure angel, uncorrupted by their influence.”

“An angel.” Shub-Crackarath paused for a moment. “Does she have nice tits?”

“Yes sir! Very nice tits. Like, 8/10.” 

“Then the prophecy is coming true. Bring this angel to me.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jace? Jace? Oh Jaaaaaacccceeeeeeeeee”, Agnum called out into the darkness, unaware of the dangers of the night on this plane. 

Suddenly, she felt something sharp go into her skin and everything went black. 

“Hey, angel. You awake?” A voice called out into the darkness some time later. Who knew how long she was out? It was always hard to tell. 

Agnum sat up. She looked around and realized she was laying down on a bed in a small shack. There was a man sitting on the end of the bed. He was about 8-feet tall. Really nice jawline. Definitely a megachad. The angel spoke up. “Huh? Where am I?”

“I knocked you out so you wouldn’t scream so loudly when I rushed over to grab you.” He said in a rather gruff voice. 

“Oh! So you kidnapped me? I’m a planeswalker. You know I can just planeswalk away, you big dummy.” 

Garruk sighed. “Listen to me, alright? I didn’t have much of a choice. Right now, the cult of Emrakul is looking for an angel with red hair and you matched the criteria perfectly.” He paused, realizing what Agnum said. “Wait a minute. Planeswalk- But how?”

Agnum sighed. “Okay. Let me explain.” 

~~~~~

It was a few years ago, and Agnum had left the Boros after being distraught by the mutiny over Feather’s rule. She could never forgive Aurelia for what she did to her mother. Being her sister’s soldier was not an option. And so she lived alone in the rubblebelt. The days went on and on in her tiny camp, not seeming to-

“NO!”

~~~~~~~~

“NO!” Garruk stopped Agnum’s pointless exposition. “We don’t have time for your long and tragic backstory! Do you not grasp the severity of this situation?”

“No. Not really.” 

The huntsman sighed. “Okay, you know what? Let me just explain what’s going on, and we can come up with a plan.” 

“Okay.” 

“Alright.” Garruk continued. “So basically, there’s a giant monster sealed away in the moon called Emrakul who nearly destroyed this plane, and also corrupted and eventually killed this plane’s angels. There is a cult who is trying to bring back this creature for unknown reasons. And part of their prophecy is that a red-haired angel with-” He sighed. “Bomb-ass titties”, will signal the beginning of the end and become an eldritch abomination that will wreak havoc across the plane.” 

“Wait, did they really say I have bomb-ass titties?”

“I’m sorry. Their words, not mine.” 

“Huh… Nice.” Agnum climbed out of bed. “So, what do we do about this?”

“It’s simple. The leader of this cult is the only person on the plane who can communicate with Emrakul. We kill him, and the whole thing topples down.”


	20. Let's Go Lesbians!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lukka becomes a living meme

While Shub-Crakarath was performing some sort of eldritch ritual with his followers, Agnum and Garruk looked at him through the surrounding brush. 

“Okay, the coast is clear. First you fly up high in the sky and divebomb them as a distraction, then I send in the wolves.” Garruk whispered. 

“Right.” Agnum replied in a hushed tone, nodding her head. She spread her wings and took off into the moonlit sky. Then she gave Garruk the signal. She spread her wings out and divebombed the crowd of cultists. Suddenly, the crowd erupted into pandemonium, cultists scattering. But Shub-Crackarath stood his ground. Agnum stared him down and drew her sword. But he was unwavering, still as a statue, as if all of this was some sort of master plan of his. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And from under the cult leader’s robes, crept a writhing swarm of otherworldly tentacles, that grabbed Agnum by the ankles in her shock and confusion. 

The angel shrieked as Crackarath dragged her closer and closer to his bubbling cauldron. 

“Agnum!” Garruk shouted as a swarm of ferocious wolves darted towards Shub-Crackarath. But it was too late. Tentacles burst out of the cauldron and dragged Agnum in. And before the huntsman could come to her aid, she burst out of the cauldron, now fused with the essence of the Eldrazi. She had become an abomination. 

“Agnum!” Garruk shouted, rushing to the angel’s aide. 

The angel was slumped over the cauldron, thin tentacles bursting from where the wings came out from her back. Garruk didn’t care, it wasn’t too bad. But how was she going to get her out of this situation? 

Suddenly, a giant crow landed in front of them, a tall, slender man riding it. That man was Lukka. 

“Hop on.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vivien and Kaya had gone off to Kamigawa to meet a friend. But upon arriving, however. Vivien realized the two had plenty of time to kill. 

“Shoot.” Vivien looked up at the sky to see what time it was. “It’s 3:30 and Tamiyo won’t be back home till 7. Wanna kill some time?” 

Kaya smiled, eager to have some fun for once. “Sure. Show me around town.” 

Otawara was a big city. Probably as large as Ravnica’s Tenth District in fact. But that wasn’t what drew Kaya in. It was more so the fact that the city floated among the clouds. “Wow, I’ve never seen so many clouds in one place!”

Vivien smirked. “Yeah, you can thank my friend, Narset for telling me about this place.” The two continued walking through the streets. 

“Narset?” Kaya asked. 

“Yeah. She’s a good friend of mine from Tarkir. She’s in Tamiyo’s book club, which is how I met Tamiyo as well. Narset’s a bit socially awkward, but she’s really nice once you get to know her.” 

Kaya stopped and looked around. “Oh, is there a festival going on?” She asked, noticing the wide array of stands and carnival games.

Vivien paused for a moment. “Yeah, there’s a lot of festivals in Kamigawa. The culture festival, Lunar New Year, the cherry blossom festival, the hamburger festival…” 

“What’s a hamburger?”

Vivien shrugged. “I honestly have no clue.” She noticed some pink petals falling from the sky. “Oh, looks like this might be the cherry blossom festival.” 

Kaya looked at the pink petals in awe. “Wow, I’ve never seen such pink blossoms before. I mean, I’ve heard of them, but…” 

Vivien gently blew a petal off of her cape. “Well, let me tell you that seeing the real thing is a thousand times better.” She continued walking with Kaya towards the festivities. “When the cherry blossom trees bloom, it’s important to enjoy them while you can. Cherry blossom season doesn’t last long.” 

“Kind of like love…” Kaya thought to herself. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A while later, the party in Innistrad had successfully made their daring escape. Once they made it back to Garruk’s place, the huntsman gently picked up Agnum and tucked her in. Then he went outside to talk to Lukka. 

“So uh- How did things go with Wrenn?”

Lukka sighed. “It’s not the same, Garruk! Do you know how hard it is to be intimate with a tree!? I have splinters in my dick!”

“Yeah, I figured something like that would happen. Maybe you should- Wait things out?” Garruk shrugged. 

“I just want Jirina back…” 

“Well, why don’t you talk to her then?” 

Lukka raised an eyebrow. “You think I haven’t already done that?”

“Well I assume you have already, judging by how persistent of a person you are. Why don’t you ask her the right way? Just try, one last time. And if it doesn’t work, then move on.” 

“And what!? Be vulnerable and romantic!?” Lukka frowned. 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“Fine! Maybe I will!” Lukka sneered. And then he planeswalked to Ikoria. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Bonk, bonk, bonk!”

Jirina slowly opened her eyes. It was 1 am, who or what the hell was making that noise at her window? She opened her curtains and couldn’t believe what she saw. 

Lukka was holding a music player over his head. It must’ve been him who was throwing rocks at her window. “I want you back, baby!”

Jirina opened the window. “What the hell-”

Lukka pressed a button on the stereo and it played some cheesy love song. 

Jirina narrowed her eyes. “Fuck off, Lukka! You killed my dad!” She slammed the window shut and went back to bed. 

Lukka turned the music player off and yeeted it somewhere. “Fuck im so angry, I’m REALLY, I’m REALLY-” He somehow poofed to the Blind Eternities in his anger. And then he felt a familiar aura- one that felt like Vivien’s. It must’ve been her. And she was travelling with someone else, perhaps that other woman from before. The tracks were fresh, this could be his chance to track Vivien down and get revenge for somehow making his life miserable in his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the evening now in Kamigawa. And things were winding down a little bit. Kaya had mentioned she was hungry, so the two went to a food stand. There were 2 young moonfolk and an equally young ratfolk running the stand. 

“Aww, are you Tamiyo’s kids?” Vivien asked. 

One of the little moonfolk smiled. “Yeah! Are you in my mom’s book club?”

“My friend, Narset is.” the huntress replied. 

“Wow, cool! Another planeswalker!” The ratfolk said, amazed. 

“That’s right.” Vivien paused. “Hey, could my friend and I have a bento box please?”

“Sure!” The rat grabbed two bento boxes with chopsticks and handed them to Vivien. Vivien handed back two silver coins. 

“Thanks.” Vivien and Kaya walked off and the two waved goodbye. 

“Enjoy the rest of the festival!” One of Tamiyo’s children called out. 

A few minutes later, Vivien found a nice spot to eat. “How about here?” She asked, pointing to a cherry blossom tree. 

“Oh sure, eating under a tree sounds ni-” Before Kaya could finish her sentence, Vivien was already sitting on one of the tree’s sturdy branches. “That works too.” She clung to the tree’s trunk and slowly made her way up, struggling a little. Once Kaya’s hand was within grabbing distance, Vivien held out her arm and helped the ghost-hunter up. “Heh. Thanks.” She said before letting herself get steady for a moment and grabbing a bento box. 

“Sorry, sometimes I forget that not everyone’s an expert at climbing trees”, Vivien chuckled. 

“Fair. Sometimes I forget not everyone can turn into a ghost.” 

“Well, everyone can turn into a ghost”, Vivien replied. “But only once.” 

“Heh.” Kaya opened her bento box and held the strange sticks in front of her. “Hey Vivs? What are these two sticks for, and uh- did you bring a fork?”

Vivien laughed. “Did you just call me Vivs?”

Kaya blushed, although one could hardly notice due to her dark complexion. “Sorry. Force of habit.” 

“Don’t apologize. I like it. But that means I’ll have to give you a cute name as well. How about-” She thought about it for a moment. “Ghosty?”

Kaya laughed out loud. “That’s a terrible name!”

Vivien laughed as well. “I apologize, this isn’t my thing!” The huntress regained her composure. “Anyways, let me show you how to use those chopsticks.” 

“Ah, so that’s what they’re called. So, do you just stab the food with them like this?” Kaya stabbed a rice ball with her chopsticks and attempted to eat it, but it crumbled and fell to the ground below before it made it to her mouth. 

Vivien smirked. “Not exactly, let me show you.” She placed her hand on the hand Kaya was holding the chopsticks with. 

And for some reason, they both stood still. 

Perhaps it was something in the air. Or maybe because one of them froze and the other followed. But whatever the case, in that moment, everything felt okay. Vivien looked into Kaya’s eyes and felt her pain melt away. She had a friend. No, a companion, or perhaps something even greater than the sum of those things. For the first time, she had someone who felt her pain and made her seem like she was okay. Someone to talk to and sleep out under the stars with. Everything felt like pure bliss. She saw Kaya lean in closer and did the same. Perhaps the feeling was mutual. Perhaps-

“There you two are”! A familiar voice called out. There was only one person Vivien knew that was socially unaware enough to interrupt such an intimate moment. 

“Narset!” Vivien jumped to the ground and greeted the monk. Kaya jumped down as well. “Is Tamiyo ready?” 

Narset nodded. “Yeah. She told me to come get you guys.” 

“Great. Lead the way then.” The two followed Narset. Kaya gave Vivien a strange look, it seemed kinda sad. The huntress wondered what would’ve happened if they weren’t interrupted by Narset. Was Kaya even into girls? Vivien’s thoughts were swirling at the worst time. She couldn’t help but be a little angry at Narset, even though she knew it wasn’t the Jeskai mage’s fault. She felt robbed of something, and felt guilty about feeling that way. But she had lived long enough to know that life always found a way. And so did love, no matter what form it came in. 


	21. Daddy Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in the history of male-written fiction, a woman has more than one orgasm during sex

“Are you sure it’s gonna work?”

“I’m pretty sure the rumors are true. We just need Dack to get the goods.” 

“And what if Dack fails?”

“I seduce him.” 

“Dammit Oko, that’s your plan for everything!”

Agnum woke up, dazed and confused. There was a handsome, shirtless Asian twink talking to Garruk on the other side of the room?

“Garruk… What happened?” Agnum said weakly. “Did you knock me out again?”  
“No… Uh-”

Oko suddenly interrupted. “No. You turned into an Eldrazi abomination and passed out.” 

“Ohhh….” Agnum narrowed her eyes. “Wait… What?”

“Get some rest.” Garruk said. 

Agnum started to panic. “Hold on! What!?” She frantically took out her pocket mirror to get a better look at herself. Her jaw dropped at what she saw. Her skin was pale and there were tentacles sprouting out of her back. “No… No! This can’t be! I can’t turn into a monster- I-” Her eyes started to water. 

“Hey- Calm down.” Garruk tried to be reassuring, although he was not a very patient person. 

“I can’t calm down! I’m turning into a giant monster and I- I- *hic*” Agnum sobbed. 

“Calm down!” He shouted. 

The angel’s cries only grew louder. 

Garruk, immediately feeling guilty, reached his arm out. “Hey, I’m sorry.” 

Agnum backed up to the wall and cowered, like a cornered animal. There was a wild, terrified look in her eyes- as if she had experienced something like this before. Garruk remembered a time he had gotten frustrated and yelled at a wolf pup whom he had rescued from a poacher, only for it to cower just like Agnum. The thought only increased his guilt. He paused, not knowing what else to say. “I didn’t mean to yell at you, I’m just not used to handling these situations.” 

Agnum calmed down slightly, but she still seemed terrified. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, have you been in a similar situation before?”

The angel slowly nodded. 

“Did someone hit you?” Agnum nodded again. 

“Garruk, did you really just ask if she was abused”, Oko whispered, elbowing the huntsman. 

“Hey, shut up Oko.” Garruk whispered back. 

“No. It’s fine.” Agnum wiped away her tears. “I just- When I was newly-created, my mom would yell at me and hit me sometimes. I was just- reminded of that.” 

Garruk’s heart dropped. Then it dropped even more when he realized since angels only come from one parent- Agnum probably didn’t have a father to protect her. “I’m sorry…” He suddenly felt a desire to protect the tiny angel from harm. 

“It’s okay…” Agnum reached out and pulled Garruk into a hug. The huntsman gently patted her on the head. 

“What the-” Oko commented from the peanut gallery. 

“I’m this angel’s dad now. I’ve only known her for like a day, but if anyone here harms her, I’m going to kill myself and everyone in this room.” 

“Okay”, the twink replied. 

“Yippie!” Agnum cheered. 

Garruk looked back at Agnum. “Alright. Now you get some rest. Our friend, Dack is coming back with some medicine for you.” 

“More like friend with benefits”, Oko said out the corner of his mouth. 

“Shut the fuck up, Oko.” Garruk said in a harsh whisper. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“My apologies! For once, I’ve actually been uncertain of my schedule.” Tamiyo sat down on a cushion in the sunroom of her house. Everyone else sat down as well, Kaya scooting up a little to get close to the table across from her. It was a very nice house. Mostly made out of wood and paper. Kaya found it quite strange, but effective. “So, what was this about the Eldrazi?”

“Well you see, my companion’s homeplane is under attack by a strange spatial anomaly. The rip in time and space appears to be caused by some sort of huge mana parasite of sorts”, Vivien attempted to explain. 

“And how do you know this mana parasite isn’t an eldrazi that somehow got left behind?” Tamiyo asked. 

“I’d know it if it was a creature. This… thing- Is entirely inorganic. It’s almost like a tumor that sucks out the mana of this plane.”   
“Wait… Shiny? A tumor?” Kaya thought to herself. She then realized it sounded almost like a pearl. Could it be-? The ghosthunter pulled a pearl bracelet out of her pocket. I have no fucking idea where it came from, I’m too lazy to think of a logical explanation for that. “Wait!” She slapped the bracelet down on the table. “It’s like nacre!” 

Vivien’s eyes widened a little, as if what Kaya had said made perfect sense. Tamiyo however, looked a bit confused. “How so, Kaya?” 

“Well, when an oyster has a foreign object inside of it that it finds harmful or irritating, it covers it in nacre. And over time, that nacre forms layers until it creates a pearl.” Kaya shrugged. “I dunno, I guess I just thought that maybe because it was shiny that…” 

“No, you might be onto something.” Tamiyo stood up. “Actually, I think I read about a similar phenomenon in a book somewhere. Follow me.” Everyone got up and headed to Tamiyo’s personal library. A very nice room that was the entire third story of her house. 

Kaya looked around. “Oh wow. I haven’t seen a personal library this large since I was in the Orzhov.” 

“Reminds me of a fairytale I once heard in Eldraine.” Vivien said. 

“What fairytale?” Tamiyo asked, curious to hear more. 

“Well, it’s about a girl who wanders into a mysterious castle and [redacted for copyright reasons], and then there’s a teapot, a clock, and a candle who [redacted], and then the beast grabs her and [fuck you disney] and then they lived happily ever after.” The huntress explained. 

“Ah.” Tamiyo nodded. “I really need to go back to Eldraine.” She turned around and searched through her personal library for a particular book. She quickly found it and set it down on a study table. She then sat down and flipped through the pages. A few minutes later, she found what she was looking for. “Here’s an old book written by a planeswalker I met from Equilor.” 

“Equilor?” Vivien asked. 

“It’s one of the most ancient planes in the multiverse. They’ve seen planes come and go, so it’s no surprise that they’d know about such strange and rare phenomena.” She turned a page. “It says here, that sometimes pieces of the “universe?” leak out into the Blind Eternities. Since the “universe” has different laws of physics than the “multiverse”, the new plane cannot properly produce any mana so it must stick to a neighboring plane and drain out its mana until both planes inevitably collapse and die off.” 

Kaya raised an eyebrow. “What’s a universe?” 

Tamiyo shut the book. “That’s what stumps me. The author of this book operates under the assumption that the reader already knows what the universe is. That’s the only spot it’s ever mentioned in. I’d go to Equilor to investigate, but I’m afraid it’s sealed off from the rest of the multiverse.” 

“Do you think this ‘universe’ is sealed off from the rest of the multiverse too?” Vivien asked. 

Tamiyo nodded. “I imagined that to be the case.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Where are we going again, Garruk?” Agnum asked as she sat on Garruk’s wide shoulders, looking over at the puddles on the cobbled streets that reflected the silver moonlight. 

“To Sorin’s place.” Garruk replied. “Him and I go a long way back.” 

“You tried to kill him”, Oko interjected snidely. 

“Twice actually.” 

A few minutes later, they had made it to Sorin’s manor, which was surprisingly close to Garruk’s place. 

“Hey Garruk, why don’t you live over here instead of that shack in the woods?” Agnum asked. 

“I live there out of choice. I find living in the woods much more comfortable than a large manor with pedicured lawns and running water.” Garruk replied. 

Oko smirked. “Admit it Garruk, you don’t want to live here because this house is full of a bunch of fucking freaks like me.” 

“That’s a very low priority on the list, Oko. I actually enjoy this place too, you know. Especially Eat His Pussy Thursd-” 

The front doors suddenly opened and a tall, pale vampire stood in the doorway. “You know everyone can hear you, right?” 

Agnum sized up the man. Yep. He was a vampire. She immediately stood on guard, as most of Ravnica’s vampires were enemies to the Boros. But she didn’t attack- surely he was a friend of Garruk’s and had no sinister intentions. 

Sorin’s eyes widened when he saw the angel. Agnum didn’t quite understand why. She certainly felt pain and guilt emanating from him- but why?  
“Come on in” Sorin gestured towards the entrance of his home. “I’m Sorin by the way.”

“I’m Agnum.” 

“Yes. I know.” 

Agnum sat down on a comfy sofa. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness of the home, but she did so rather quickly thanks to the fact that angels have nightvision. She then realized there were other people in the room. Several others in fact. There was a man with long brown hair and a red hand, a giant purple demon, a man with a thick black mustache and a mysterious aura to him, and- OH NO!

“Tibalt!?”

The demon smirked. “Huh? Oh, I don’t believe we’ve met before. The name’s Tibalt” He said smoothly, extending his hand in greeting. 

Agnum took his hand and crushed it with her freakishly strong grip. 

“OW! OWWWW OW! SON OF A BITCH!” Agnum let go and felt a little bad for what she had done. But it was still totally worth it. 

Sorin sat down at an armchair across from the angel and everyone looked towards him. “Alright. So if I understand this correctly, you got infected by an Eldrazi.” 

“Yeah. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is.” 

The vampire gave a slight nod. “Luckily, we have had an invasion before. My grandfather is an alchemist, and luckily he has made an antidote in case this ever happened again. Dack was kind enough as to steal it for you.” He looked over towards the man with a red hand. “Dack?”

Dack handed a small wooden box to Agnum. 

Sorin continued. “Anyways, it’s getting dark out, so it’s best you stay here for the night. Ob?” He turned to the giant purple demon. “Can you show these three to their rooms?”

“Sure.” Ob gestured for Agnum, Garruk, and Oko to follow. Agnum followed the group through the vast palace. Not far into the walk, she realized the palace was dotted with statues of angels. But why? Why was this sexy vampire so distant towards her? Why is there angel iconography everywhere? Agnum needed answers. But it was night. And she suddenly realized she promised to Tajic she would be home. The night before… Fuck. She really needed to check in with him.

Ob came to a stop in the hallway and gestured towards two doors. “Agnum, you’ll sleep here. And Garruk and Oko will sleep in the other room.” 

The room Agnum was assigned to was a quite nice room. It was huge! She had never seen such a luxurious room except when she had sleepovers with Teysa and Tomik back in the good old days. She felt a little nostalgic. There were even clothes in the room! Sure a bit old and dusty, but they were just her size. There was even- Agnum blushed when she walked into the lingerie part of the closet. Suddenly, she had a great idea. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Agnum sneaked into Tajic’s room, it was only dimly lit by a candle. She knew he was bored to death, because he was reading one of her interactive magical novels that he swore he’d never get into: Homestuck. She smirked when she saw the confused expression on his face. Slowly, she crept onto his bed, and she put her hand on the spine of the book and pushed it down. “I can tell you don’t understand Homestuck. But you know what you do understand? My titties.” 

Tajic smirked, a bit surprised at Agnum’s arrival. “That has to be the worst pickup line I ever heard.” He closed the book and set it down on his nightstand next to the candle. “So, what were you doing while I was gone?”

“Saving the multiverse I suppose. But what I really want to do is you.” She giggled, placing a hand on her cheek and moving closer to him. And then the candlelight shined on her breasts, revealing the lacey lingerie she was wearing. She felt a small movement in the comforter and realized Tajic’s member was standing to the attention. “Care to indulge?”

Tajic said nothing and kissed her, hard on the mouth. She kissed back passionately. Their tongues intertwined like two leopard slugs mating. The guildmage flipped her over onto her back and started kissing, lower and lower- until he got to in between her thighs- his beard producing a strange, but arousing sensation, making no two kisses alike. She let out soft moans of plasure as she felt his beard brushing up against her inner thigh, and his lips producing a lovely sensation. He then placed two fingers in between her cunt, over the fabric of her panties, rolling one finger around her clit, and using the other finger to tease her opening. The angel’s legs twitched a little as she did so. “Just use your tongue already!” Agnum half-laughed, half-moaned. Tajic obliged and slid the angel’s lacey panties off. He spread her legs out, and dangled them over his broad shoulders, then placed his hands around Agnum’s waist to keep her stable, because he knew better than anyone that this would make her squirm. He started licking and rolling his tongue around Agnum’s opening, causing her to squirm a little. She couldn’t help it. The sensation of his tornado tongue was just too powerful for her wimpy vagina to stand. She put her hands on the back of his head, and held on tightly. Tajic got the memo apparently and started to lick upwards, nearly hitting her clitoris, but then stopping and going back downwards to the vagina again sticking his tongue in and out of the opening and sucking. Over and over. It caused Agnum’s head to spin and her stomach to fill up with butterflies. Like, the really cool butterflies with the blue wings and shit. “Yes! Yes! A little higher!” Agnum was nearly overwhelmed with pleasure already, but she knew it could get much more intense. Tajic obliged and got up to her clitoris. At first he only licked it, which was already intense enough to cause Agnum to loudly moan. But then he started sucking on it, rolling his tongue around her hard, engorged clitoris “Yes! Harder! Harder”! Agnum nearly screamed. She began to thrust to the tempo of Tajic’s tongue, holding his head close to her. And as everything got as intense as Agnum could handle, her legs gave out and she let Tajic take over. “AAGGHHHHH YES! I LOVE YOU! FUCK! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” She screamed as she climaxed. And then suddenly, her muscles relaxed and she laid still. And in that moment, she felt nothing but pure bliss. Tajic lay beside her and gently stroked her face. “I love you too.” For a minute or two they embraced, and Agnum lay down to rest. But even though the oral was mind-blowing, she knew the night was only beginning. “It’s your turn to nut.” 

Tajic smirked and got on his hands and knees. He undid his fly and took his member out. It was pretty hard, but it was about to be a 10 on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness. He leaned down to give Agnum a kiss on the lips and he started to rub his dick in between the lips of her cunt, just to get a little harder before penetration. Once again, Agnum felt that tingly lovey sensation in her lower abdomen and moaned a little, getting even more slippery. Her vagina had turned into Viagra Falls at that point. Tajic then inserted his member into Agnum’s opening and began to thrust. As he did so, he began to play with Agnum’s breasts. They were like water balloons filled with sex. The angel moaned a little too. Her breast and ass jiggling with each powerful and fast thrust. Agnum had a great idea and reached towards her dresser, having barely enough reach to open her drawer. She pulled out a vibrator and turned it on. Then she proceeded to hold it up to her clitoris. “Ah fuck~ I’m close now”, she moaned. Tajic felt the vibration, which only increased the sensation and caused his dick to shift into maximum overdrive. “Good- *ngh* idea, Agnum” he said. 

Agnum lifted her head a little to speak up. “Did you seriously just stifle your moans so you wouldn’t sound gay? You suck your own cum out of my pussy after you nut, yet you think that moaning a little is gay?”  
“Fuck- Shut up Agnum I’m about to cum~” Tajic almost moaned again. 

Agnum had already started to climax. “FUCK! FUCK! IM GONNA CUM! IM- IM REALLY GONNA CUM!”

“I’m already aware!” Tajic shouted as he let out one last powerful thrust, unloading his seed into Agnum.

“Ackkk~ I love you!” Agnum said as she orgasmd. Then she lay still and relaxed her muscles. “Whew. That was good.” 

“Want me to lick the cum out of you?”  
“Nah. I’m good for the night.” The angel smiled. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jace was somewhere near Sorin’s manor by now. Although, he didn’t care to drop by and say hello to anyone. No, he was busy trying to regain his manliness. On showing the world that he was a REAL man, even though society already perceived him as such, and the only reason he was doing this was because of his own low self-esteem. He already had a shelter built. Enough rabbit jerky to last a week, and a great big pile of sticks. Yep, he was living like a king. All he needed now was some really contrived plan to save the multiverse. The problem was, the multiverse currently wasn’t in danger. Or was it? As he poked the embers of his campfire, he saw the shadow of a mysterious figure. He looked up. The man was close now, he was much shorter than Jace, and he was wearing. No- He was wearing the exact same robes as Jace. 

“Hey, who are you?” Jace asked, ready to probe the strange person’s mind. 

The mysterious figure took his hood off. 

“No- It can’t be…”


	22. Hour of Kool-Aid Drinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone prepares to confront Emrakul.

The mysterious figure took off his hood. He was short, pink, and furry. He looked like a very strange teddy bear. 

Jace gasped audibly. “Kallist!?”

“No, you dipshit!” The cloaked creature replied. “I’m the version of you from an alternate multiverse.” 

Jace furrowed his brow. “Alternate multiverse?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaya, Vivien, Narset, and Tamiyo were camping out in Kaya’s homeplane to investigate this strange planar anomaly. It was late now, and everyone was asleep. Or at least, they were supposed to be asleep. Kaya was wide awake, her thoughts racing about what had happened earlier today. Did Vivien almost- No. Could she even- There was certainly a spark between them. But Kaya feared that spark was just friendship. And if that were true, it would be disappointing, as she liked being around Vivien. There was just something about her. She was warm, caring, understanding. They both shared the pain of having their lives ruined by Bolas. It felt good to have someone to understand her. But was their pain the only reason they were so close? After all, it was the reason they met in the first place. Kaya took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. It was too late at night for this kind of big-brain thinking. Vivien and the others were asleep and- Kaya looked around. Vivien wasn’t in her sleeping bag. Where was she then? The ghost hunter closed her eyes and tried to sense her fellow huntress. She was nearby. Kaya climbed up a pile of rocks near the campsite, and sure enough, there was Vivien, staring at the stars. There was something so intimate about watching someone you cared about doing the most mundane of things. After a minute or so of watching her, Kaya pretended to walk up to the rock for the first time. “Vivien, what are you doing up?”

Vivien looked down, a bit surprised. “I couldn’t sleep, so I’m looking at the stars. How about you?” 

“I uh- Also couldn’t sleep. And then I realized your sleeping bag was empty and went to go look for you.” 

“Ah.” Vivien smiled. “You’re a good friend, Kaya.” She patted the ground next to her, gesturing for Kaya to sit next to her. 

That only added to Kaya’s confusion. Was she a friend? Or something much more. She smiled and sat down next to the huntress, staring at the same stars as her. “Hey Vivien?”

“Hmm?” Vivien hmmed. 

“What do you think will happen tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure.” Vivien replied, a tinge of uncertainty to her voice. “But I promise, whatever happens, you will be okay.” 

Kaya relaxed a bit. Vivien was right. They both trusted each other. Things were going to be alright. They looked into the sky silently, then Kaya felt something touch her fingertips. It was the tips of Vivien’s fingers, just slightly touching her’s. What did it all mean? This was a game of Blue’s Clues that not even she could possibly solve. She moved her fingers, ever so slightly, so they would slide a little underneath Vivien’s. Then Vivien slid her fingers further towards Kaya. And Kaya slid her hands further underneath Vivien’s. This little game went on for a few minutes, until they were finally holding hands, gazing into the stars. Would something ever come out of this?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Agnum had just made it back to Innistrad. She had just planeswalked back into her room, when she heard a knock. “Come in!”  
Garruk opened the door, with his cheeky fae companion standing next to him. “I hope you’re hungry. Sorin just made a bunch of sausage for breakfast.” 

Agnum smiled. “Sure am.” Even though she physically could not feel hunger since she was an angel. 

“Smells like you already had some sausage last night.” Oko said smugly. 

The angel raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean by that?”

“What I mean, is you smell like your ass was being slapped by sweaty balls last night!” Oko stated. 

“Oko, it’s too early in the morning for this shit.” Garruk sighed. 

“H-how do you know that!?” Agnum blushed. 

“Well, I shapeshifted myself to have the strongest nose in the multiverse. I have a bigger Jacobson’s organ than even most large beasts!”

“Ah, so that explains why you seem to have half a brain”, the angel mumbled. 

Oko took a nice whiff of her. “Let’s see… A 6-foot something Iranian man in his mid 30’s. Muscular, and well-groomed. Very nice.” 

“What the fuck.” Agnum was quite surprised. “Also, what the hell does ‘Iranian’ mean?”

Oko shrugged. “I dunno. It’s one of those weird words used to describe people. Like, people say I’m Asian.”

“What does Asian mean?” 

“I dunno.”

Agnum was greeted by the smell of freshly-cooked meat once she entered the kitchen. “Hey guys!” The residents of the castle nodded in acknowledgment, except Sorin. Where was he? Agnum looked beside her and noticed the icebox door was open. Sure enough, Sorin was getting something out of it. “Good morning, Sorin. Thanks for letting me spend the night.” 

Sorin simply mumbled something, still looking inside the fridge. Agnum took a peek inside. The fridge was somehow pitch black, instead of a lightbulb, it had a shadowbulb, which was like a lightbulb, but it produced darkness instead of light. There was no need for such edginess. But she was in a house filled with vampires and demons so… “Whatcha lookin for?” Agnum asked.   
“Blood.” Sorin said quietly. 

The angel smiled. “If you can’t find any, you can have some of mine if you want!”

Sorin froze and looked at Agnum like she had said something awful. He shut the fridge and got a glass from the cupboard. Then he filled it up with water and walked to the kitchen table to sit down. All while not saying a word to Agnum. Feeling defeated, Agnum sat down next to Garruk. She wasn’t physically capable of feeling hunger of course. But she still managed to sneak a few bites of egg off of Garruk’s plate when he wasn’t looking. It was a fun game she liked to play with Tajic to test her abilities at being a little shit. 

After breakfast, since it was a weekend, everyone decided to fuck around and play some games. Sorin, Ob, Davriel, and Dack went to play Warhammer 40k, and Tibalt apparently hated Warhammer, so he played Dungeons and Dragons in the corner by himself. How, Agnum didn’t know. But Tibalt was a very strange and pathetic man. Since she was the most familiar with Oko and Garruk, she decided to follow them around. Garruk was busy writing down something in a journal when Agnum approached him. “Hey Garruk, so- What are we going to do about this whole cult situation?”

“That’s what I’m planning out right now.” The huntsman said, not looking up from his writing, which appeared to be at a third-grade level. “Things would be a lot easier if Ob could help. But the fucker lives and breathes Warhammer.” 

“Yeah. I get that.” Agnum said. 

“Why don’t you just relax for now and read a book or something?” 

“Alright.” And so Agnum did just that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vivien’s party had made a plan: They would go to Innistrad and make a deal with Emrakul. Tamiyo had determined that this interplanar anomaly needed to be eaten by the Eldrazi- it was the only way to save the world of Tolvada. But little did they know, Emrakul already had plans for the night. 

Shub-Crackarath prepared the cauldron of doom once again. But this time it was even doomier than before. That’s because he wasn’t trying to corrupt an angel again- no: he had much bigger plans. Tonight, he was going to summon Emrakul to bring an end to all the suffering on Innistrad. Ever since he had made it to this wretched plane years ago, he had watched countless people suffer at the hands of this plane’s sinister phenomena after death. They’d turn into spirits locked into eternal suffering, wretched zombies, and other horrid undead abominations. It was time for the dead to rest. And in order for every last soul on this plane to reach the Blessed Sleep and finally rest in peace of eternity, he would need to wipe Innistrad off the face of the multiverse. He walked into his church- an old Church that worshipped the now-fallen Avacyn. The goddess he once worshipped, and trusted. But she was no more. And on that fateful day of her death- he knew he’d have to continue where she left off. As he walked onto the stage, nearly a hundred of his followers cheered words of praise at him. To them, he was their new savior: the one who would guide every soul in Innistrad to eternal peace. To both them and Shub-Crackarath, this was more than a death cult. It was a family that was also a death cult.

He stepped onto the podium and spoke, his voice booming throughout the church. My followers, Shub-Emarath’s fateful night has finally come. Tonight, your souls shall know peace in death. Which is also why the author is giving me one final chapter of exposition.” 

“Oh Shub-Emarath, please guide us”, the cult members chanted. 

Shub-Crackarath pointed to a sacred fountain that once held Avacyn’s holy water, now filled with fruit punch. “Oh lord Emrakul please bless this Kool-Aid.” 

“In Shub-Emarath’s name we pray.” 

Everything was coming together.


	23. Fate Comes Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is finally time to confront Emrakul

Garruk, Oko, Agnum, Sorin, and his menagerie of hot boyfriends all gathered at the spot where Shub-Crackarath gathered on every full moon. Which was every night because this was fucking Innistrad. Their plan was to stop Shub-Crackarath from summoning Emrakul. What they didn’t plan on, was what other planeswalkers were about to do. 

“Tonight, one of my followers will betray me.” Sorin announced. 

“No shit, it’s Tibalt”, Ob said smugly. The rest of Sorin’s boyfriends joined in agreement. 

“Yeah, it’s him.” Sorin replied. 

“NNNNNNNO SHIT, SHERLOCK!” Tibalt laughed manically before running off. 

“Well. We better make this quick before the poor demon hurts himself with his own stupidity.” Oko said gayly. 

“Okay. I knew this was going to happen. So like always, I planned ahead.” Ob pulled everyone into a group huddle. “So according to the data that Dack gathered while I was kitbashing some Space Marines-”

“Shut the fuck up about Warhammer 40k”, Sorin said in a harsh whisper. 

Ob continued. “We split up into four groups. Three attack from opposite sides, and Agnum and I will launch an aerial assault to destroy the Cauldron of Doom. Any questions?” There was a long pause. Ob sighed. “Seriously, this is your last chance to ask questions. He looked over to Dack, who he knew was somehow going to screw up. “Dack, any questions?”

Dack shrugged. “Fuckit, man. I’m just gonna wing it.” 

Oko held Garruk’s hand as if he was claiming someone to be the partner for his C+ science class group project. “Well then Dack, if you die, I’m taking your Mana Clash cards.” 

Ob sighed. “We are fucked.” 

And so everyone split up. Ob and Agnum took to the skies, waiting for the cultists to gather to do magic. It was- it was a magical gathering- the- well, you know. 

Ob and Agnum both waited for a while, each with nothing to say, that was until Agnum started thinking deep thoughts. “Hey Ob?”

“Yeah?”

“Why does Sorin act so… Weird around me?”

The demon general paused for a moment. “Probably because you remind him so much of Avacyn.” 

“Who’s Avacyn?”

“An angel that Sorin created thousands of years ago to protect the people of Innistrad. She was like a daughter to him.” 

“Oh…” Agnum sighed, feeling a little bad. 

Suddenly, the cultists came out of the brush. But it wasn’t time to strike, not yet. She and Ob had to give the signal first. But before she and Ob could even wait, a horde of bears and lynxes came out of the woods and rushed towards the cultists. 

“Gee Garruk, way to not listen!” Ob grumbled, debating on whether or not to just strike already. But before Ob could even react, the wave of bears and lynxes was intercepted by… ghost animals? Agnum looked around, unsure of who could’ve done such a feat. Ob was no help, as he was equally as confused. What the fuck was going on?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lukka had been following Vivien’s little crew the whole time.  _ He  _ was going to get the Eldrazi. He didn’t know much about them. To him, they seemed like a powerful beast that he could use to his advantage. Dranith, no.  _ Ikoria  _ was all his. His fantasies of conquest filled his fiery convictions. Millions of lives would be saved thanks to him. There would be no more war, no more suffering, no more monsters tearing down what humanity worked so hard to build. Jirina and all the others who shunned him would see the error of their ways and grovel on their knees for forgiveness. He would be a god in their eyes, the savior of mankind. This would fix everything, if only Vivien could see that. But instead, the huntress was fighting on the wrong side of history, tearing down every wall he worked so hard to build. And he could take it no longer. “More power! Attack!” Lukka shouted, more animals hearing his cries and feeling his conviction, fighting for him. In that moment, he was overcome by a powerful revelation. Each animal’s heart beating one by one. Their hopes and dreams, their doubts and fears. He felt like a part of them, and they felt like a part of him. They were one of the same, a fearsome legion with the same goals. Perhaps these animals were more than tools, maybe… his allies? 

He could see Vivien’s eyes widen as she started to realize what was going on. This wouldn’t end well. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Through the calamity and cacophony of all the screeching and growling, Agnum saw a familiar face- Her brother-in-law and- No. How the fuck? Agnum flew over to investigate. 

“Agnum, wait! Where are you-” Ob followed her through the confusion. 

“Gideon!” Agnum flew down. “What the hell’s going on here!?”

Gideon turned around, equally as surprised. “Agnum, what are you doing here?” 

“I could ask the same of you.” She shook her head. “We’re trying to stop cultists from summoning the Eldrazi, what are you guys doing?” 

“Well, Kaya came over last night and explained to Aurelia and I what was going on.” Gideon explained. “Then Ajani came over that night and we told him about everything and he decided to come along too.” 

Agnum raised an eyebrow. “Still doesn’t explain how the hell Aurelia is here, or what you guys are here for in the first place.”    
  
Gideon shrugged. “Oh well, apparently Kaya can bring extra people with her when she planeswalks. As for why we’re here, we need the eldrazi to save Kaya’s homeplane.” 

“Ohhhh. Okay then.” Agnum shrugged. “Guess we have a plan B now.” She waved to Ob, who had just landed next to her.

Ob frowned. “What about my plan B!?” He squinted. “Why are you friends with that guy, Agnum?” 

“He’s my brother-in-law.” Agnum replied. 

“Your br-” Ob stared upwards, only to see an angel towering over him, which was quite unusual since usually he was the tallest in the room- barring Garruk of course. 

“Agnum, is this your friend?” Aurelia looked slightly displeased. 

“He’s one of my many dads.” The tiny angel smiled proudly. 

Ob gave Agnum a weird look. “What?”

“Yeah. You’re one of Garruk’s boyfriends, aren’t you? That would make you my dad.” 

“W-what?” Ob rubbed the back of his head, confused. “Yeah sure, kid. Fuckit. I’m your dad now.” He shrugged. “Out of all my little bastards, you’re my favorite.” 

“Wait, you have kids?” Gideon butted in. 

Ob shrugged. “Probably. I don’t fuckin know.” 

“Hey guys! A little help here!?” Agnum and the others turned their heads to see Vivien’s horde of ghost animals fighting a losing battle against Lukka’s stampede. And so, they rushed in the fray, fighting off animals left and right. But they were outnumbered. All they could do was hold them off for a while. 

“Give up while you still can, Vivien!” Lukka shouted, commanding hawks, bats, and owls to come out from the sky and launch an assault. “Ikoria is mine and mine alone!” A swarm of hawks came over Vivien and struck down hard. And as she fell down to the ground, her ghost animals vanished, leaving Lukka’s stampede the winner by default. Kaya quickly phased out and ran through the herd of animals, grabbing ahold of Vivien to prevent any further harm. 

“MUHAHAHAHA!” A voice cackled from the cauldron, which was nearby. “While you guys were doing pointless exposition and fighting, I summoned Emrakul and took control!” 

“Fuck! I hate when people do that!” Agnum shouted. 

Gideon looked over. “Do what?”

“When they do- THAT!” The angel asserted stupidly. 

An enormous shadow loomed over Shub-Crackarath as he spoke, massive tentacles draping down from the sky like a beaded curtain in a Selesnyan head shop. 

Shub-Crackarath cackled as he saw the behemoths come from out of the moon. It was his time, no. Innistrad’s time. “Now, Shub-Emarath! Lay waste to this plane and lead our souls to salvation!”

Emrakul paused, then she spoke. “No.” 

Agnum looked up, shocked. She had never seen anything like it. A huge writhing mass of tentacles that seemed uncanny. A million questions were going through her mind.

“I will not play in Innistrad today”, Emrakul’s cold and childlike voice boomed. She grabbed the moonfolk with one of her tentacles and wrapped it around him. The planeswalker writhed and screamed as the life force was sucked out of him. And in a few moments, he was nothing more than a withered husk, like a member of the California Raisins gone soggy. His saggy corpse fell to the ground like a feather, not making a sound. 

Everyone gasped at the sight and the plane went silent. Not a bird around them stirred, and the wind seemed to stop. All Agnum could hear was the heavy breathing and panicked heartbeats of those around her. The fate of the entire Multiverse was at stake.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Emrakul.” A familiar voice called out. Everyone looked in his direction. It was Jace. And some sort of pink… doppelganger of his. 

Nobody knew what the fuck was going on. 


	24. Bob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace's motives are finally revealed

Aurelia was the first one to speak. “Jace, what in Razia’s name is that pink thing on your shoulder?”

The pink thing put his hood down and spoke up. “For your information, Aurelia: I’m not a ‘thing’, I’m a creature called a beeble and my name is Bob.” Bob hopped down. “Now I know you all might be confused right now. But it will all make sense once I explain.” 

“There is literally a giant fucking tentacle monster behind us, do we really have time to listen to this?” Garruk butted in. 

“I wanna hear what the pink fuzzy man has to say,” Oko said in a hushed tone. 

“Don’t worry, just let him explain.” Emrakul said. 

“I can wait.” Lukka added. 

“Thank you, giant tentacle monster.” Bob spoke up. “Anyways, I’m a planeswalker from Dominaria. And not the Dominaria you know, but a different Dominaria.” 

There were scattered murmurs of confusion. 

“What I’m trying to say here: is that there’s a different multiverse. A parallel multiverse known as the ‘Un-iverse’. It’s similar to your’s, but far wackier.” 

Agnum raised an eyebrow. “How wacky are we talking? Because some pretty wacky shit happens in this multiverse on a regular basis.” 

Bob’s tone turned serious. “We’re talking unprecedented levels of wackiness. And right now, there’s a dimensional rift causing the two multiverses to collide. If we don’t fix this right now, this multiverse will be ravaged by the pure insanity of the world I come from. My Dominaria will become the basis for all reality, and everything will change for the worse.”

“How can we help?” Tamiyo asked. 

“WHILE YOU ASSWADS WERE DOING EXPOSITION, I TOOK CONTROL OF EMRAKUL! SEE YOU FUCKS LATER!” Lukka interrupted as he rode atop Ekrakul, planeshifting with Emrakul and her massive army of minions. 

Bob sighed heavily. 

“So uh, is that Lukka’s normal behavior, or has the wackiness gotten to him too?” Oko asked, seemingly unfazed by what was going on in front of him. 

The beeble shrugged. Nah, he was just created by Nic Kelman, he’s wacky in his own fucked-up way. 

Narset spoke up. “Nic Kelman is accused of being a pedophile, he says he isn’t, but he did write a novel about middle-aged men having sex with underage girls and glorifying it. It is both very complicated and very simple.” 

Bob raised an eyebrow. “Annnnyyyywayyyys… We actually do need to get Emrakul back. There’s a huge rip in space and time over Tolvada that’s about to burst. And she’s the only one who can fix it.” 

Tamiyo pulled a book out of her bag and approached Bob. “I know what you’re talking about. Shall we formulate a plan?”   
  


“Yes. Let’s.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story! If you like the concept of Ravnica in ruins, but also want a serious fic that will really make you feel things, check out "After It All" by ADashOfStarshine (ADashOfInsanity)


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